Well, I did it. It only took all day but got my web pages straight. Of course I won't know till tomorrow because when I caught the boo boos and updated them they were still there. So I'm hoping that by tomorrow it won't look totally lame. My head is pounding. Nice to have a migraine from something I like doing. People who design web pages and know HTML should get paid whatever they demand because every synapse in my brain has been cross-wired.
It started the a few weeks ago. I had been taking the generic Prozac but didn’t make any connection.
I figured it was because I’m debt up to my ears. ($20.000 would make all my problems go away. It would pay off all my debts and give me a new start. 
The only person I know with that kind of money has kept me from starving since I lost my job. Someone I knew when they didn’t have two nickels to rub together. And since we don’t see much of each other anymore I couldn’t ask for one more favor. I confess we’ve been friends for years and I’ve been a pretty lousy friend this year. (Fortunately there were a bunch of years when I wasn’t such a lousy friend.) I mention them because (a) they don’t read my blog and (b) even if they did is probably thinking right now that I’m a scum sucking ingrate. My husband has been in outpatient rehab for two months and hardly says a word to me. He has yet to find a full time job. I have been looking for full time employment as the State of New York is only going to front me for another week or so. But that's no reason to feel depressed.
Then I received a WebMD (which I usally delete)which had an article entitled “Generic Prozac is it the Same?” One doctor said he wouldn’t even prescribe the generic because it wasn’t the same stuff. (I’ve also been told that by more than one pharmacist it isn’t the same.) The article talked about how many people had adverse reactions. Horrible nightmares, suicidal thoughts to name a couple.
Then it made sense. Why I never saw the Lunesta butterfly at night. In the few hours or so I have been able to sleep all the demons from hell have been showing me their home movies. I was waking up screaming in the middle of the night. It must have been some scream because my husband who could sleep through a 12 piece marching band woke up. My daytime hours were spent with very little energy not only from poor sleep but just feeling awful (almost like I felt in my B.P. (before Prozac) days.
I magically discovered a small stash of brand from before I lost my job. After three days I was beginning to feel human again. Unfortunately since I lost my job, while I ‘m grateful to have “free” medical insurance I no longer can see my family physician whom I’ve had for 25 years and I can’t see my shrink whom I’ve had forever. (I just go for medication visits. Still he’s not on my insurance either.)
So I went to see my new PCP (Primary Care Physician). In my opinion PCP should stand for Pretty Crappy Physicians. But I had no choice. Figured I was going to have to tell him the entire story, get a referral for a psychiatrist and get more therapy that I don’t need. Surprise the doctor (after making me wait for two hours) saw me for 20 seconds. When I told him my story he said “no problem I don’t like generics much myself” and prescribed the real thing.
I told him the other problem was going to be with the insurance company because they will only pay for generic unless a doctor pleads a good case why the patient needs brand. No problem he says my assistant will take care of everything.
She took care of it alright. I came this close to spending some time at Club Bellevue. His assistant gave me the excuse that she was having trouble with the insurance company. I waited a couple of days and heard nothing back. I ran out of the real thing and went back to generic. Yep the demons were back to showing me their home movies only this time they were double features in HDTV.
I called the doctors office and the same bimbo said “the insurance company is giving us trouble. All I can say is to go to the pharmacy and buy a couple of pills.” Hmm I’d like to buy a couple of pills please. I’d like a few Prozac, some Vicodan a few Valium…”
I called the insurance company. The problem? The doctor’s office didn’t do what they were supposed to do. Apparently they tried only once to get through for approval and never followed up. The woman from the insurance company was appalled and said that it should have been taken care of that same day. (The good thing about this insurance is that they actually employ people who care.) So she decides to “conference in the doctor’s office” and find out what the problem is. (The doctor’s office had no idea I was listening). So when they finally answer the phone after the 12 ring and the woman from the insurance company identifies herself she puts us on hold long enough to read War and Peace. The insurance rep calls back. They hang up on her at least three more times. Finally they pick up the phone and the insurance rep says “I have a patient who is going to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital if she doesn’t get her medication.” Silence. The dumbo at the doctor’s office tells her “oh we’ve been trying for a week now and we’ve been having a problem getting through.” So the insurance rep says to her stay on the phone and tells I’ll walk you through the process." I’m sure the woman at the doctor’s office was getting very irritated that her burrito was getting cold. She couldn’t get through. I wasn’t in the system. Why wasn’t I in the system? Because the dolt at the doctor’s office wasn’t putting in the right numbers! (Like duh the first thing they ask you for when you walk into the office is your insurance card so they can make a copy.)
Low and behold they got approval in 10 minutes. My phone rings five minutes later. It’s the doctor’s office saying to me “the insurance company FINALLY got back to us – here’s the approval number – sorry about that.” Never mind it’s her job to call the pharmacy with the approval number. It took the better part of the day but the bottom line sums what I always believe if you want something done right do it yourself. It just might save your life.
I feel so lonely suddenly. 
Just called my friend in California to wish her a happy birthday. She's the wonderful person I met over the summer online no less who took me out of the creative funk I was in and got me going. Her party was just starting and I wished more than anything I was there. She sounded so happy and giggly and it made me realize just how much of my youth I spent wasted not having fun.
It's interesting because my son is running around the room (thank goodness I have him) except all day I spent cleaning up his room. He's going on eight and his room was a fire hazard so I told him when I got done with it he wouldn't miss anything. My husband just walked in and as I said I feel so lonely. I wonder what it's like to be in love with the person you're married to. I wonder what it's like for someone to come home and throw their arms around you and say honey I missed you. That's why those hugs and kisses from my son are so special. They are unconditional and I know he loves me even when he's mad at me. We've actually had those type of discussions where he'll be doing something I'll say I don't like what you did but I always love you. 
Tomorrow I start a new job and I fear that my husband will go back into his old patterns of addiction and laziness. At least over the summer he's been in (outpatient) rehab -- not that he talks about it but I was gettting sick and tired of taking care of two children. I hope he keeps his act together for our child. I do not want to raise a child on my own but I'll be damned if I put up one more second with a 50 something old man who has no ambition.
My son is doing something very intricate with his domines. I'm drinking a glass of wine. Think my husband is horrified. I bought a bottle last night because I felt like a glass and husband opened the bottle for me and managed to get the entire cork to sink inside it. So today I'm having another glass. Not really bad. And tomorrow I'll be back in the land of wage earners and adults once more.
As you can see the time I’m wide awake after having come home around 7:30 p.m. with every ache and pain my body hasn’t felt in ages.
So I’m part of the working force again and there’s something creepy about this office. Everyone is either somewhat disgruntled, angry at themselves and “over nice” to me.I can see my boss is the kind of guy who does not like to have his intelligence challenged. I’m not saying he isn’t nice it’s just in the two years that I was with “Mr. Wonderful” I’ve learned how to stand up for myself, ask a lot of questions.This guy seems to feel like he wants to have the podium. The problem is when he’s giving directions I have to interrupt his "summation" to ask sensible questions. I can see already he’s not used to that either.
I think there was more going on as to why his other secretary left. I was told that she had cancer and had been out since April and that she couldn’t come back full time. This man also expresses that she had an attitude if you will and that you couldn’t find anything on the system.
Having never met this woman I can’t say anything about the attitude but their computer system is something out of the dark ages. First of all they have no “document management” system. And they prefer to use Word Perfect. This means you have to look through directory after directory (since there is no document management system the word “managing documents” (i.e. tying to find anything) is nearly impossible. Fortunately they do have Word and since I found out that there are people who use both in the office I’m going to save my sanity and use Word when the documents are exclusively “mine.” (Never thought I'd see the day where I'd be a true "Word" convert.)Today I took a crack at cleaning out the desk. My predecessor saw it fit to have a basketful of rubber bands, various tapes with “important” stickies on them buried at the bottom of the pile and a filthy pen holder with assorted pens that didn’t’ work. So as I’m cleaning up this mess and coming that I think I found a body in the desk my boss comes over and says something and I say “I’m getting myself organized so I can get you organized” and the person in the office next to me laughed loud and so did he. And then I told him that if I had anything to say about it I was going to get this system organized as he said I could. When I say things like “once I get through with it, once things are organized" they are laughed off.
And when I make mention how I’m going to make certain things easier my boss keeps going “we’ll see" (as in he doesn’t believe it because obviously no one ever has. Very evident from what I’ve seen. I’m a big believer that if you can do it in a way that makes sense it’s a whole lot easier. I’ve walked into a netherworld where that obviously hasn’t been the case.
I know I'm good at what I do because I've been doing it for over 25 years. (Babysitter, shrink, lion tamer: job description for a legal secretary.)
But I wonder if in between secretaries he’s had someone come in and say the same things. He said that the gal who had been filling in was filling in the entire summer but she usually only worked two days a week. He said something about her also. Actually he had something to say about everyone and it jokingly wasn’t in a positive light.The good things. I sat down at my desk only to find an ancient “mouse” as in no scrolling button. And they said they’d get me one right away and several hours later I had one. I said I needed new headphones for my Dictaphone and I was asked before the “office services” guy left what type I wanted. I ‘m used to being in an office where you ask for something and your are ignored and it takes months to get what you want.
The office manager seems totally bored and disinterested and annoyed at everything. She even said “it’s Monday and I don’t want to be here.” (NOTE: THERE'S AN OVERWHELMING EXCITEMENT. WHEN THEY ARE ORDERING OUT LUNCH. KIND OF LIKE WHEN GUYS ARE DISCUSSING SPORTS. Today I joined in and got a burnt hamburger and wilted salad.)
As I’m cleaning off the junk off my desk I see a couple of booklets from the “Watchtower”. And then I noticed on the desktop there were two icons for the Watchtower Library. So I said “oh something from the Jehovah’s Witnesses" (hoping they weren’t clients) and my co-worker said oh “she’s one (the not so nice woman with the bad breath who had been sitting at my desk when I came in today) "and so is she" (the woman at the desk closest to mine who actually turned out to be the only secretary who graciously spent her time helping me find anything without an attitude.Fortunately the computer guy is coming in tomorrow so I’ll be set up with my own log in and can customize my own desktop.
So here I am wide awake. Head pounding. Wondering if it was from the ton of caffeine I had today as I haven’t’ been assaulting my body with it all summer. After all when you have no set time to wake up you don’t really need it.Butt I started thinking “gee Lord you really have a sense of humor don’t you?” You see almost three and a half years ago I gave put my life back into the hands of the Almighty. This was after going through 12 step and realizing that I needed to return to my first love. That for 20 years.
To sum it up as Jesus was talking to the "multitude" one day he said:
What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open pasture and go after the one which is lost until he finds it?
When he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing.
And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!'
That was me. The day almost three and a half years ago when I found myself praying and asking Jesus if He was still there because if He was I had the faith of ½ of a grain of a mustard seed. I was afraid that going back to the “Christian life” would be dull and boring.
When I left off in my 20’s I decided it was as there were a lots do nots that I definitely wanted to do. That I thought I would have to become humorless an drab. One pastor said “becoming a Christian doesn’t mean you get a lobotomy or you put your brains in your back pocket.” What has happened is that I’m still me warts in all. But I answer to a higher authority. And when I listen things in my life are so much easier.Those who know me, know I am definitely not humorless and when I was suffering through the throes of the boss from the place I'm not spending eternity people would ask how I could stand him and I said “I’m a praying woman”. Let me tell you praying for enemies took on a whole new meaning. And the Bible says pray without ceasing. I spent a lot of time praying at my last job. (They must have thought I had an overactive bladder. The ladies room at the other side of the hall was my "prayer closet."
Which leads me back to my current situation. I am the meat in the middle of a Jehovah’s Witness sandwich. I won’t get into a theological discussion right now. But suffice it to say their literature does not line up with what the Bible teaches. They have their own version where they change just a couple of “key” words. Again a whole host of other theology which would take up two more pages at least and maybe I’ll have my friend who is studying for her doctorate (and already ordained) explain it. "Kingdom Hall" get ready because you are about to come about to come face-to-face with “Kingdom of the Almighty."
Some lyrics from an old song just popped into mind.I was running from my master
Was trying every new thing I could find.
But my life turned into one disaster
Without the Lord I almost blew my mind.
But now I’m riding in the back seat.
And I’m finding it a very great relief.
Now I’m riding in the back seat.
And I’m leaving all the driving to the chief.
As the kid in the “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” movie said to Kate Capshaw’s character (before he hit the gas pedal in a car and sped off like a bat out of you know where) “hang on lady we’re going for a ride!”
9/28/2005 2:28 AM
I’ve been awakened by the muse of cold and hunger.
When I got home tonight I managed to peel off my clothes and collapse in the bedroom sans shower. I woke up ½ an hour ago because I was freezing my butt off, my husband was curled up next to me but that’s only because I had stolen his pillow (now that’s tired) because he likes his lumpy pillow. When I got up I said “I’m on your pillow why didn’t you ask me to move?” He didn’t ask to move because (a) he wanted to live till morning and (b) a fork lift couldn’t have gotten me out of that bed. So I’ve changed my manic fishes water, gave the lizards a couple of worms (why not if I’m eating let everyone else who is awake get a snack. I made some sandwiches for tomorrow. (Trying to save money on lunch but then I go out and buy four cans of Red Bull -- one of the many things that keeps me awake. One for breakfast, one after work. I still think the stuff tastes like the inside of a can but it does the trick and doesn’t give me heartburn the way coffee does and I’m out of Prilosec) Then I ate some of the Chinese food I brought home tonight.. Lobster – it’s been such a long time and the market price isn’t a month’s rent. (On the rare occasions I have lobster from a Chinese restaurant it’s always in some kind of hot oil or black beans as is my usual fare.) But tonight I went for Lobster Cantonese -- definitely comfort food. Note: In my lifetime lobster and falling asleep have never appeared in the same sentence... I knew it was safe. Fortunately my husband doesn’t like it. Also even if he did – he wants to live. A couple of years ago we went out to dinner and I had prime rib something I get when someone gets married (and I haven’t been to a wedding in a long time). I took home half of it home. The next day when I went to eat it I noticed it had been reduced in size carved all around leaving me the yucky part in the middle (I like the well done soft stuff). When I made a comment he said something like “oh I thought I was doing you a favor” yeah yeah. I told him not to do me any more “favors.”
So today was day two. I walked in at 9:30 my designated time (9:30 to 6:00 which I resent in a way because most jobs in NY its 35 hour week not 37 ½ although I sometimes worked 65 hours in my last job. Anyway I sit myself down (it is the first office where the coffee is drinkable) and my boss comes out with a bunch of stuff yelling that it has to get done right now because he has a train to catch in an hour. First I’m taken aback by his behavior and if I knew I had another source of income I would have been walking out the door. I had enough yelling to last me a lifetime.
Two of my seasoned co-workers grabbed the work from me and started doing it at breakneck speed. When he saw “I” didn’t have it he said “that’s not what I had in mind.” They got the stuff done in record time and then he decided he wasn’t going away till tomorrow. For the rest of the morning I ignored him. He had gone back to being his nice self, taking to me like a human being but I wasn’t buying. I profusely thanked the two people who helped me. One has been a secretary there for five years (one of the Watchtower two) and I said to both of them “okay what can thank you (and bribe for the future) with? And she the Witness said “don’t be silly I’m sure I’ll be asking you for plenty of favors” but I insisted and she said “chocolate, candy, any kind of food”. (I guess since their “doctrine” denies them just about every pleasure in the world they don’t follow their Mormon neighbors when it comes to caffeine.)
The other gal said she didn’t eat sweets. The other gal is nothing short of amazing. She looks and acts like a 19 year old street kid. Puerto Rican. Only you find out she’s 32 and knows my job inside and out. And twice I said to her “if you know everything why aren’t you sitting here” and she said “I don’t type fast enough”.
Now I know why my boss asked me if typing 80 words per minute was “good” on my interview?! So I said to her I type 80 words per minute depending on the document. And she said well “Ms. Blank in the office types 120.” Only problem is that I’ve very rarely seen Ms. Blank typing. All of the four times I ventured to that end of the office she was reading a book or some tabloid. (Now I know who the prima donna is that my boss was referring to on my interview. She’s the other partner’s secretary and said “we have one Queen Bee and I don’t know why he puts up with it).
For the rest of the morning I answered my boss in monosyllables even though had indeed turned into the sane, smart human being who hired me. Sorry but again I had too much screaming to forget about it that fast. Later on I went over to his absent minded associated (another one of my charges). He’s a whole other chapter in some science fiction book. Anyway, I mentioned how my past boss was a screamer and he assured me that I hadn’t made another mistake that my boss knew that it takes at least six weeks to get through the learning process.
The street kid keep encouraging me saying not to worry. Before I went out to lunch I was in the ladies room when I saw the Watchtower lady and I thanked her again. I said to her “it’s not that I can’t work under pressure” and she finished the sentence for me “when you know what you are doing” and I said “exactly!”When I got back from lunch with a big bag of Kiddie Mix one of those Halloween specials they sell with tootsie rolls, dots, lollypops etc the office manager (another nice but strange person) intercepted the bag and said I’ll give it to so and so but I’m opening it while I give it to her. Even the street kid had a tootsie roll.
So my boss drops a big pile of work on my desk before he leaves and says “I’ll be in in the morning tomorrow (he’s still going away) so see what you can do and leave it at so and so.” He leaves and I delve into the pile and I realize that it’s a bottomless pit. And it’s creeping on 6:00 p.m. and then 6:30. Now normally I wouldn’t care but Tuesdays nights is when I go to church. I also go on Fridays but Tuesday is the best service of the week and believe me I needed it. The entire time the street kid stayed and helped me., encouraged me. It was 7:30 when I was finished. And she said something about “overtime” and I said “I’m just wondering if he’ll be annoyed or think I’m too slow, I’m willing to swallow the hour or so”.
And she said “talk to him in the morning he’s very reasonable to talk to.” You’re doing fine. He and I have come a long way because the second day I was here I was ready to quit. Last year he said something to piss me off and I told him “f-you and said I quit” only to have him run after me. So I said how about if I write him an e-mail and she said if you’re more comfortable with that that’s fine (unlike many a boss he does check read his e-mail).
I said “what should I say?” Now mind you when it comes to writing I am hardly ever at a loss for words. But I said “can you give me hand? What would you say? I figured she’s so good at everything else and knows the animal. So she happily dictated as I typed something like I decided to stay and finish it to the best of my ability because I didn’t want to have a repeat of that morning (she used different words which I wish I could remember because I realized she must have some Jewish genes in her because her eloquence was guaranteed to “induce guilt” to the other party.)
This is what I’m not used to. People who are really team players. People who encourage you and are there for you. Getting the working tools I need right away. As in the mouse episode yesterday. This morning I came in to find brand new headphones for my Dictaphone. (I had complained that the ones left behind were yucky). Without a bat of an eyelash I was asked the night before if I wanted the standard plug ins or the ones that go over the head. I decided to take the ones that go over the head (which offices don’t usually spring for because they are more money but so much more comfortable). When I came in this morning they were in the box on my desk.
I’m not used to people doing their jobs. We have one guy in “office service” that does the copying and the faxing which means I can (when I finally know what the heck I’m doing) get my work done.
In my old place of employ they had five guys who you’d have to hold a gun to their head to get them to do anything unless it involved free food. Usually they were talking on the phone or discussing sports. (The one exception was the guy who did the filing and he was a doll...)
This guy actually does all the copying and he has a brain so it never comes back wrong. Also he knows what needs to be done so you don’t even have to tell him (as in how may copies, stapled or velobound etc.) I had to get a bunch of stuff out today (for the associate) and again he just sweeped it up and took over. And then my favorite street kid finished it.
I again said to her” not that I’m trying to talk myself out of a job but why aren’t you sitting at this desk you know the job inside and out?” She said “I don’t type fast enough” I said still did he ever offer you the job and she said “yes but I told him I didn’t want it. I don’t want to sit there.”
Which is so amusing because even though she’s still the “receptionist” she’s always running around doing his or someone else’s bidding. So I missed church but in that time I was able to relax and get more comfortable with the antiquated system all the while being cheered on by my new friend. When I told her I missed church she said “what religion are you?” Good question. I’m Jewish although some Jews would disagree. (I know who all the "messianic" prophecy is talking about it. It’s all there in the Old Testament. (So I don’t know why a lot of you are still waiting – hello?) The guy in the New Testament who said “behold I stand at the door and knock…”
I told her “my church is Christian-Interdenominational. I go to so and so Church and it’s a lot of fun. Your basic New Testament Christianity." (Which is exactly true. Worship is definitely a preview of what we'll all be doing in heaven, there is such a unity (which is amazing since the congregation is about 5,000). The pastors have integrity, preach the gospel. When I came back to the Lord I am glad he kept me "'clueless" as in not being influenced by some of the so called “modern” Christian teachings you hear of today. God is your cheerleader, life coach and your investment banker. A Lexus is just around the corner for you.
If it doesn’t begin at the cross, preach the message of the cross, I cross it off. Thank you Lord for keeping it simple in my heart.
I don’t know what “religion” she practices but watching her I have no doubt she thinks WWDJ (What Would Jesus Do) and does it.
When I look at it now, I didn’t miss church tonight. God’s message for me was right where I was supposed to hear it. Glad this sheep heard His voice.
Well, who would believe it, I'm writing this from work with the entire office to myself. I found out I have the fastest computer in the place so everyone wants to use it. The IT guy finally came in and gave me a real log in so I was able to customize my desktop and now I'm beginning to find things. I also uninstalled the "Watchtower" software. I know the JW who uses it was really pissed off but I 'd love to see her going into my boss and saying someone uninstalled my personal crap. (Sorry but Jehovah's Witnesses bug the living daylights out of me. For the most part they are so obnoxious). I'm not saying a lot of Christians aren't the same way. As a matter of fact I often say that most Christian's give Christianity a bad name. You will never see me Bible bashing, I will never tell you about hell and damnation (even though a minister friend of mine tells me it's my responsibility). You wanna know Jesus go ahead and ask Him, He'll really turn your life upside down.
I am also a walking zombie because since I was going to sleep at 5:00 a.m. and getting up whenever I felt like it for six months my body feels like lead. I have been supplementing my diet with lots of Red Bull and No Doze. Still undecided how I really feel about this job. The people are really nice. My boss seems like a decent nice guy. He has his tantrums but they aren't directed at me and he doesn't like to be wrong. However, he's a far cry from that creep I spent what seemed like forever.
Okay I'm going home and not looking at a computer till tomorrow when I have to.
