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Well the other shoe finally dropped today.  My boss spent the entire day in court and left me with a pile of work.  Now I was particularly proud of myself because I'm still not all that familiar with the system, not used to his dictation (on tape), not used to reading his handwriting and he's disoraganized.  (Not that he admits it.)  So he comes back at 4:30 and looks at me and says "you're only up to that (the last thing) that wasn't a very long tape only about 15 minutes, it shouldn't have taken you so long!) So I said well I'm not quite familiar with things.  (Yep schmuky me was defending myself).  Then he said that's not good.  Then he made a couple of other comments stupid ones that I could ignore but he crossed the line when he walked in the door.  One thing I pride myself on is the quality of my work.  I've been a legal secretary for 25 years (most lawyers can't read, write or spell) and I've swallowed a lot of crap.  But when someone insults the quality of my work.  I mean it was like being told to dig a ditch in very hard soil and all you have is a tablespoon.  So after I left I called a couple of people and vented.  One person said "he should try transcribing that tape in 15 minutes."  I once told a boss who was hounding me that if he thought he could do it better I was willing to get up and let him sit there.  He backed down especially after I came to a portion of his illegible handwriting and he said "what do you mean you can't read it" and he came over, looked at it and said "I don't know what it says either?"  He was one of the good guys though and I still miss him.

 Called my headhunter and said "he's just as much of an asshole as my old boss and I'm not going to quit but find me something else" so I'm back in the running. Also she didn't know him socially at all she used to ride the train with his wife when they lived in Westchester.  (I found that out from his wife who is a doll).  It's sad because the rest of the people there are so nice.  But it also dawned on me.  He had the same secretary for five years.  She got cancer and was out since April.  She offered to come back three days a week.  Mind you he has a part timer who comes in when needed and someone else who works four days a week so if he really wanted I'm sure he could have reached some kind of compromise.  It makes me realize what type of person he really is if he could do that to someone who has presumably been with him for five years, gets cancer, goes through chemo and he's looking for someone else less than four months later.  Now I know why I was getting strange looks.   Now I know why people in there said "oh don't take him personally" or "he doesn't like to be challenged".  Well tough f--ings shit.  Monday morning he's going to find out exactly what I think (nicely) and it he doesn't like it he can shove it.  One thing I learned from my last job is I'm not putting up with that kind of crap anymore.  Sorry schmuck you had an outburst on Tuesday (which I already wrote about).  I'm not going to sit and take it.  I admit it's a pain in the ass to have to start the process again but so be it.  I can let a lot of things roll off my back but when you insult what I do best (for a living) that's grounds for divorce.  Problem is you can't find a good lawyer.

I spent the entire weekend tired and lethargic.  Sound familiar?  Last night I was having the nightmares of my past where I've moved into a new apartment and I can't find anything it's a roomier apartment but without much light and nothing works.  My husband has put everything in the antiquated kitchen in the wrong places, the stove is from hell and I'm trying to make a meatloaf.  First instead of chopping onions I'm chopping a knife into little pieces while the neighbor girl is watching me.  Then I find onions to chop and they are all rotten.   All while I'm saying can't we move back to our old apartment.  I used to have this dream a lot and it went away. 

I guess the deep down insecurity I'm feeling is catching up with me.  I dread tomorrow.  How familiar does that sound.  I really want to call them up say send me my pay check and up yours but I know that wouldn't be the right thing to do.  I at least have to tell this guy what I think of him. (Actually in my fantasy world he'll call me into his office and apologize profusely for being a horse's ass.)   Will he apologize I doubt it but at least I can walk out of there with my  head held high.  He's also a real jerk in the sense that it is a small world and if I so happen to wind up in his particular area of law again I can warn others not to give them his business.  I would never call up old clients and say you know the guy representing you is a dishonest, foul mouthed sob who is padding his bills.  I wanted to do that with my last boss.  I did it in my imagination.  Actually he kept his clients happy at the expense of making everyone else miserable.  The last time I worked in real estate when I left the firm they lost their biggest client.  Coincidence? I think not as my boss and I were the only people who could keep him happy.  (My boss at the time was one of the peons so I wasn't being paid nearly what I was worth and I left).  But after a week of being told "oh he's such a nice guy. And don't take his moods personally they're not directed at you."  I think not.  I've paid my dues in that arena many times over.  I don't know why people feel that if he/she is the boss it's perfectly okay to take out your bad moods on your support staff.  And I do not say the word "support staff" lightly.  Because we are the ones who almost always pull your ass out of the fire while you take credit for it.

If  you're having a bad day, I will gladly hold all your calls while you sequester yourself in your office and play darts using the picture of the person of your choice on your dartboard.  If I were into vodoo right now he'd be feeling a lot of aches and pains. If I were into vodoo my old boss would look like imported Swiss Cheese.

What really bothers me is I was looking forward to the weekend until he pulled the stunt he did (see last entry).  So now I'm overtired, and grumpy.  Have to go to the mall as the lens popped out of my glasses and I can't see a thing.  Need a new prescription.  Did I mention I hate the mall.  Off I go to drag my lazy butt into the shower. 

Here it is tomorrow.  In nine and a half hours I'll either be getting an apology or taking my plant off my desk (which I brought in the day after I had a computer log in) and leaving.  It's true I really need the money but I'm not going to put up with anyone's insults, bad moods or snide remarks.  I spent almost 12 years in a marriage full of verbal abuse (although I didn't realize there was such a thing at the time) and my last boss was very much like my ex husband.  So even though I might need the eggs I'm already pissed off that the two weekend days were spent by my being angry.  This jerk might even act as if like nothing happened and in the past I might act that way also but it's too soon much too soon.  He's lucky he doesn't know the "old me" the one who has to pray for her enemies because I'd be going in there and using words I only think these days.   As I said before you can be in a bad mood but don't insult what I do best. 

I'm at work believe it or not.  Didn't quit, didn't tell him off, and didn’t get fired.  Was pretty much told that if I yes him to death I will be fine.  And that on Friday (that wretched day) I was supposed to have help but she didn't bother showing up.  Guess she had to stand in front of the train station waiving copies of "Awake".  So yesterday no matter what my boss said I said “yes”.  The wall is purple yessir you’re the boss.  We’ll see if I can tolerate yessing him to death.  If it keeps him quiet it might work.  Today the office is as dead as a doornail because it's the Jewish holiday but we're open for business.  Not bad, I've done some writing, played Pogo.  I hope my boss stays out tomorrow too.

Well, my boss left early.  Actually did a couple of things where he wrote "final" on the first draft.  One of the secretaries whose known him forever said he makes comments for everything.  Example when my computer was rebelling against the Word(im)perfect document I muttered "Word Perfect I don't like you" to which he said "that's a problem (it seems he loves to say it's a problem usually when it isn't) because we use it a lot.  And I said "not a problem just have to .... remember or whatever I said and I called another secrtary over because the computer was freaking out on me.  I rebooted the sucker.  As I said since (fortunately) some of the people do use Word I am putting every new thing I do into Word.  Who wouldna thunk as I remember the change from Word perfect to Word and how hard it was.  But considering I spent $100 when I got my own computer (they were offering me "free" Wordperfect 12" instead I got Word because I figured that Word perfect was a lost cause.  There is one secretary in here who loves Word Perfect. Fortunately she's willing to help also. 

Last night when I went to church the pastor was talking about how it's easy to "love your neighbor that you don't see" i.e. when you see those commecials for the starving kids in other countries it's easy to be compassionate" but it's hard "to love the neighbor you know"the one who blasts the music and doesn't stop, the impossible boss.  I spoke to my alter-ego-minister-sister but we don't share DNA at lunch and she said "God has you there because He's trying to teach you something".  I figured out today that it has to be more of the loving the unlovable because this guy isn't.  I don't think he's a bad person like my old boss but he leaves a lot to be desired.  So shades of my other job the ladies room has become my prayer closet.  Actually it's a pretty neat ladies room.

Okay what the heck is wrong with Tabulas I haven't been able to change the color of my font for three days not that anyone cares.  I'm still at work.  Just finished a pile but left one thing over because I couldn't see.  I'm doing this for my own well being so the boss doesn't have anything to say although I found out today that he has something to say about everything and sometimes he even makes a joke/question and wants you to answer.  The work itself is soooooo boooooring.  At least my other creep boss had interesting clients.  This is all real esatate and a lot of it is residential which I hate.  Putting together a closing statement must be what hell is like because there's no end and I hate it.  I'm finding the people themselves are pretty good but I'm so tired.  The good thing about having a job is that I can look forward to Friday.

Hey Tabulas are you ever going to let me select a color again?  Glad I got my website from GoDaddy. 

One of the nice things about working is you definitely look forward to the weekends.  Made it through my second week.  Things are holding steady.  One guy is a real jerko (not my boss believe it or now) a real dweeb and I have to do his work.  I was warned he was really weird and when I first came for my interview the receptionist was out and he was out front and pounced on me asking me all these dumb questions.  I'm starting to (quick give me a work that's less than like) my boss.  I just ignore every comment he makes as they are all stupid and he has something to say about everything so it's not just me.  We'll see what we see.  At least things are getting easier.  Just figuring out where stuff is etc.

I'm outta here.

So this stinker still will not let me change my text color.  Glad I don't care much.  Glad this ain't my website.  Glad my boss has somehow morphed into a human being.  I'm not getting too relaxed but today he was all jokes and smiles to the point where I got a few in and he was laughing.  Everyone has cut out and I've been given permission to leave soon.  Can't figure out why I'm so sleepy since that's all I did over the weekend.  I'm going home.

Still can't change the color of my font.  What's going on with Tabulas anyway?  I am at work and bored to death.  I guess that's a blessing.  Most of the people are out for the Jewish Holiday so I'm sitting here playing computer games.  I really can't understand how someone would want a job where they don't have anything to do right now I just want to go zzzzzz.  I'm listening to one woman rant and rave to someone about an argument she's having with a "friend" over the church and the Bible.  I'm keeping my mouth shut but listening.  I figure if God wants me to talk to her He'll present the opportunity.  My brain right now is on stun which means I don't want to write

Man do I wish I had some insdustrial strength drugs right now because the headache I've had all day is the mother of them all.  I'm told it's because of all this rain but right now I think I'd only get relief if I chopped off my head.  The last one at work.  Boss came in for two hours today, had a cold, was grumpy, did what I had to do, yessed him to death and then had a pile of work to finish.  I just want to go home and sleep.  Still can't change the font color.

Well my (former) boss was coming down with something last Friday and left early.  That was the week I was getting all kinds of lovely headaches that I couldn't identify.  I thought it was sinus because of the bad weather since theoretically I had nothing to be stressed about.  Monday morning I came in feeling like death (not there long enough to call in sick) and my boss came in feeling and looking like death and said the only reason he was in was because he had to be in court and he hadn't missed a day of work in five years.  He allowed me to go home.  On Tuesday I woke up and felt like I was run over by a bus.  Besides it being that time of the month something didn't feel right  like the shooting pain in my right ear and my instincts told me go to the doctor.  So off to the doctor I went and found out I have sinusitus.  It most likelely started the week I was having the headaches.  I thought maybe it was just bad weather and sinus.  From the doctor's take it started in somewhere in my sinus cavity and was just spreading whereever it could so she put me on some horse antibiotics (10 days worth -- said this infection was nasty enough that three days wouldn't do it).  I called my job.  Only made live contact with one person.  Called twice more and left various voice mail messages.  Today in my sleep of death I heard the phone ringing (actually it chrps like a bird because I couln't stand the choice of rings).  So when I stumbled out of bed it was someone from the office.  She is a file clerk but is basically at this guys beck and call.  Originaly I said to her why aren't you his secretary.  Her first answer was that she didn't type fast enough (you could have fooled me) and later on admitted that she DIDN'T WANT THE JOB.  On the message she said that Mr. Big wanted to talk to me.  Now since he fired his last secretary (with him for five years) because she just happened to get cancer I didn't think he wanted to wish me a speedy recovery.  Well he made the small talk and said "It isn't working out for me and it won't." And how he hated to do it that way.  Like hell it was probably the high point of his day as I noticed in my short stay here he loved to make nasty comments or make people feel ill at ease or stupid.  And then he said how he knew I had some stuff there and could arrange to pick it up or have it mailed to be so it wouldn't be embarrassing for me!  As in what did I have to be embarrassed about?  That you are a schmuck.  That you would tell me that you weren't in for so and so and then so and so would call and you would yell at me for not putting them through.  Or expecting me to figure out your chicken scratch from day one and then hunt through your antiquiated system to find things (which actually I figured out pretty quickly).  One day he left me a tape and on it it said "I'll need so and so for and then the tape was completely garbled.  Now let me tell you something I am so good at dictaphone that I can trascribe someone talkiing under water.  His comment "gee it's too bad because those instructions were the most important part of the tape."  He had other choice digs in my time there.  How I had a propensity for putting things out of order.  Huh just arranging my work pile so I could find things but I was told to consider my desk his workspace so I had to arrange it a certain way.  Mind you this had nothing to do with preference but the way it was lined up on the desk.  I will miss some of the people in the office although I noticed that lof of them did walk on eggshells around him and when he wasn't there were constantly commenting about what kind of mood he was in.  At least my old boss (and I can't believe I would ever say this) was very free to scream and get it over with not have some sarcastic comment.  Friday I go to see a headhunter and her associate.  She is someone I was friends with years ago when she was temping in my old office.  She called just when I landed this job because she saw my resume on Monster.com.  So I called her today and had a really fun conversation with her (already on the list for her superbowl party) and I'm meeting with her and her associate on Friday.  Her associate has lots of temp work so I suspect I'll be back in the saddle pretty soon.    What can I say it's weird typing on my own keyboard again just as it was weird getting used to the one at work.  They also had a very fast computer but I figured out 1/2 the problem is that I have dial up which won't be  problem for long because my cable company will give me a break if I sign up with them for that and phone and considering I'm getting no bargain right now for separate providers -- plus the include my ISP AO-Hell I won't have to pay for the separate dial up account which sucks big time anyway.  No wonder they are trying to give it away.  Gee I'm getting sleepy again.  This antibiotics could probably wipe out whatever my neighbors have also.

Well my throat still hurts my head still hurts but my doctor switched my antibiotic yesterday.  Hopefully this one will work.  I've rescheduled my choir audition.  I could have gone tomorrow but I don't think there's a section for bullfrogs.  Actually the way I'm feeling glad God is full of grace because I feel like crap.  Still waiting to see if the creep is going to pay me.  After the check is cashed (hopefully) I have a few choice words for him.  All intelligently scripted nary a curse word but show me the money first.

Guess I should write something because it's good practice.  Think the Mucinex is finally working.  Waiting to cough up a fur ball.  Postponed my choir audition yet again till next week.  See the head hunter on Thursday.  Baked and frosted 40 cupcakes for my son's birthday party in school tomorrow. (His actualy b-day is Saturday -- where does the time go?)  Tonight he couldn't get some of his bubble lights working.  I shook them up and they bubbled.  So nice to make a child happy. 

I'm thinking about you and I'm on the verge of tears because I feel abandoned.  I hate that feeling because I realize that for most of my life I've felt that way.  I'm not a people pleaser.  That's always been part of my problem that I won't kiss anyone's ass.  Life would be so much easier if I were dumb and an ass kisser.  Intelligence.  People always say how intelligent I am but right now I feel like a rotting banana.  Where are my friends?  Who are my friends?  Actually I know of two because they showed up in the last week big time and grounded me.  So why do I feel so alone right now.  You know why I haven't heard from you.

Right now I'm blasting the song Lonesome Day into my headphones.  I'm trying to sing along.  But I'm letting the essence of the Boss seep into my bones, my nerves, and sinews (okay Kipling you'll get your credit). 
 When I go for my choir audition next week I was told that I could sing any song I want.  (Did Bruce ever record Amazing Grace?)   My alter-ego Christian buddy (a minister and sick as I am humor wise -- folks Jesus laughed and I'm sure a lot) gave me a piece of advice and said "just worship".  Which is good advice because when I belonged to the choir at my old church (which I left a year and a half ago) I remember after our first performance and the choir director said "you were great next time you won't be so nervous".  And I remember saying as I said many times when I sang with the choir "I'm never nervous."  The head of the worship team asked me why and I said "you see the balcony up there I just look and see Jesus and he says "sing to me".  Okay maybe I never had visions but that was the feeling I always had and I was never nervous. 
Leaving that church was a hard thing for me but I knew it was time to go.  I wasn't getting what I needed.  People were leaving the congregation in droves but I promised God that I would stay two years and then ask again what I was supposed to do.  June a year and a half ago.  The unrest and other things which happened were a definite divine exit sign to me.  The hardest thing for me to let go of was the choir because I so loved to sing to me it was the most intimate form of worship.  My fellow choir members many a time had to yank on my robe because I have no rhythm and could never quite sway the same way -- I loved every minute of it. 
The new church I found was amazing -- huge but amazing -- over 2,000 people in the congregation.  But founded on solid ground I was being fed wonderful healthy food not Big Macs and I knew that was where I was supposed to be.  I would long fully look at the choir and say "wow I sure miss that Lord" but I sat in the audience.  I found out that one advantage to being in a choir is that you find out that you know all the songs they are singing. 
A month after I left my old church the dominoes fell and it turned out that the two choir directors were having a rip roaring affair which had been going on for years.  Leadership turned a blind eye until someone installed cameras in the choir room. 
A month after that I ran into someone I used to sit next to in choir in my new church who told me that a lot of people in the congregation were blaming the choir because they knew and told no one.  I really didn't know.  But the enormity of it hit me.  I was pulled out from a building on the verge of collapse.  
Early on I put in a an application the I would be interested in singing in the choir -- I think I had only been in the church for six months and I never heard anything.  I figured it got lost somewhere.  This church not only has integrity but you need to go for a full interview before they will even think of letting you volunteer for anything.  So I figured okay I guess music isn't my calling in this place.  I placed another application in for "hospitality" thinking maybe I was going to be an usher (which is perfectly fine with me) and got a letter saying that you don't need to be called in for a formal interview anymore that they had them on so and so days and come in and fill out an application.  I let the letter age on my fridge.
Last month I was sitting in a Tuesday service looking at the choir and saying again “you know Lord the one thing I miss more than anything I signing in the choir”.  The following week I got a letter in the mail thanking me for my interest in the music ministry and that there was a workshop I could attend in November.  When I got the head of the music ministry on the phone she told me “do you want to audition for the choir?”  Uh okay and I set up an appointment to audition.  I’ve had to cancel it three times because I caught some kind of bug that turned my body into an alien being but as I said to the woman I can’t audition because I’ll sound like a bullfrog.  (Maybe I’d be a baritone).  Where am I going with all this?  Besides rambling because I haven’t written in a couple of days and that’s the joy of a blog you can just ramble on and not care what anyone thinks. 
Next week I finally go in and sing.   What am I singing?  I was told anything I want.  Which brings me back to my original point what should I sing?  I love God’s sense of humor because I think I’m not going to find out until the day I get there.  And whatever I sing whether human ears like it or not it’s going to be my prayer, worship, just darn thankfulness that He saved me from myself so many years ago.  And if I get in won’t that be cool.  It will be a lot of work.  Singing twice on Sundays, once on Tuesdays and rehearsal on Thursday.  And my husband isn’t objecting.  Now my husband and I are on opposite sides of the fence when it comes to beliefs but I have his full support.  Some people say they feel closest to God when they are fishing or doing lots of other things but for me it’s song.  As for hard work it’s the best job I’ve ever been fortunate to have.
Well the cavalry just came home so I’m going to post this.

Someone made a comment that it sounded like I was sinking into depression again.  Someone who doesn't know me at all.  Depression had been a part of my chemical genetic make up since I was born.  Fortunately, there are enough meds I take that keep all of my neurotransmitters doing what they should.  It's okay to be depressed.  I don't think the greatest writing in the world was ever done on a sunny day when it's beach weather.  Unless, of course you are Danielle Steele.  (Oh how I wish I could write crap and get paid for it!)

You.  You will always be a part of me.  You know me so well.  And when I hurt you hurt even though you'll never admit it.  Which is perfectly okay because it's part of what makes me me.  Whether you're there or not.

You know I can't believe that I have a paid subscription to Tabulas because the control panel rarely works and I seem to lose more entries than I post.  But since my blog is my garbage pail...My son turned 8 yesterday and I was still sick enough not to attend his party.  I had some plague which worked its way through my body and as of yesterday I was still drinking Ginseng tea which tastes nasty but does wonders for the throat.  The "party" was at my parents house with my brother, sister-in-law and nieces.  As I said was glad I missed it.  My older niece Libby is a whiny spoiled brat.  Her middle name is Rose hence I call her Libby "Rosay"as in the w(h)ine.  Yes, I can spell but this screen doesn't tell me where to put the accent mark.  If that kid had five minutes with me she'd have a sore bottom which is what's she should have had years ago and would stop whining.  Her younger sister on the other hand is charming and cute and funny.  She reminds me of my son.  Apparently last week she was "helping" my brother do something in the living room.  And he said "Maya, I've told you a million times you're not supposed to to that, how many more times do I have to tell you?"  And she said "two more times!"  Now, that kid I love.  It makes me wonder if I had two children would I have a favorite.  Parents say they love their kids equally but I don't believe it for a second.  I suspect in every kid there's something you love (or don't love) more or less.  Probably what you don't love is the annoying qualities they got from you.  You know when you were growing up and your parents said those dooming words "wait until you grow up and have a kid just like you?"  My kid is just like me.  He has my sense of humor, is too smart for his own good and knows what buttons to push.  He's finally figured out that since he's so much like me I know what he's thinking so if he's thinking of doing something he shouldn't it shouldn't be on "Mom's radar screen." 

Tomorrow I go back to trying to join the membership of the working class i.e. I need a paycheck so I'm going to see my old friend now a headhunter and hopefully she'll find me something where I can get paid what I'm worth and not be stressed.  I'm at the point in my life where a steady paycheck is wonderful but I'll take less not to have the stress.  But I was so fooled by my last job.  I should have known because it was a recruiter who called me and I stupidly answered my phone (which I usually let the machine do).  And she actually conned me and said "oh this man is so wonderful, I socialize with him and his wife all the time" blah, blah, blah.  So after I found out he's a scum sucking bastard I also found out that the recruiter never "knew" him.  She only knew his wife in passing because they used to ride the same commuter train.  I should have had an inkling when I found out that his secretary for five years left because she had cancer.  I later found out that his secretary of five years was "fired" because she had cancer.  She volunteered to come back three or four days a week.  I can't see why that wouldn't have suited him as for the short time I lasted I was one of the three people who actually worked "five days".  One of them was a "file clerk" who was actually this guys lapdog.  She was a sweetie and anticipated his every move.  I asked her why she wasn't his secretary as for all intents and purposes she knew everything.  And she said "I don't type fast enough" and I said "that's bull" and she finally admitted she didn't want to sit there.  I lasted 11 days.  I had the nerve to get sick and he called me and fired me.  Said it wasn't working for him and wouldn't work.  I cheerfully said okay.  He said something else about picking up my stuff in a way so I wouldn't be embarrassed.  I asked him "why should I be embarrassed?" (because he's such a schmuck and afraid to face me in person).  I know I rained on his parade because he was hoping I would be all sorts of tearful.  He said he would pay me for the week and I was shocked when I actually received a check last week.  As soon at it clears I'm going to write to him and tell him what I think.  Not  because he's worth it but because after reading the letter he'll say to himself gee she was so articulate and after going through 17 more secretaries he might figure out he lost a good thing.  I figure it will be another exercise in creative writing and he'll have to use a dictionary.

Right now I'm listening to my old choir CD's.  My voice is coming back.  Remembering why I like to sing remembering what it's about.  Don't want to go to sleep even though I have to get up early tomorrow.  Good night.