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Listening to my husband discuss philosophy and history with our son.  I'm falling asleep out here and I can hear that my son is more interested in his train track.  Blah,blah,blah remember the Charlie Brown t.v. specials and that's how the parents sounded.  I now know where they get it from.  Right now my husband is talking about being reasonable.  If he were being reasonable he would have shut up 10 minutes ago.  I have a sore throat again, slept for most of the day.  The awaited phone call hasn't come.  Yak, yak.  Figured I'd better dump here because later on lazy me has to fill out the application for my church as in why do I want to be in the choir.  And tomorrow I have to sing.  As I've rescheduled this audition four times I guess I'm going to sound like a baritone. As I've said many a time if Christianity were determined by works I'd never make it on God's payroll.  Unlike what a lot of the rah rah evangelists today in their version of Christianity Light (yes, Mr. Olsteen with his five red Lexus' makes it).  God is your life coach, slot machine, buddy.  You don't mention the "J" word for fear of offending someone.  Let me out of here my husband is talking about the "Black Plague" time for me to go to the supermarket.  I think somehow staring at the frozen enchiladas will put this all in prospective.  Just asked my son if he wants to come to the supermarket with me.  He screamed "yes" like he won the lotto.  Figured the kid deserves to be rescued.

So this morning I woke up with glands so swollen I look like a chipmunk and my ears are hurting.  So I yet again postponed my choir audition.  I guess the good thing is that since I'm attending a workshop on Saturday to meet all of the music ministry I can see what I'll be getting myself into if I do.  Of course I'll just nod and shake my head a lot.  Have a doctor's appointment this afternoon.  My son is sick, my husband is (but won't admit it -- like he's fooling me taking 5 hour naps).  So our whole household has something.  Keep thinking about Leno last night when he was talking about the bird flu.  He said in the old days when you got the flu you chicken soup used to be good for you but now...I nearly fell off the couch.  Humor is very important.  As a matter of fact it's at the top of my list on my resume under "skills". 

I figure if I don't write something I will be doomed to writing nothing.  I'm in such a funk.  Sick again, more antibiotics.  More antibiotics in one year than my entire life time.  What am I trying to avoid anyway.  I willingly gave up the music worshop from my church that I've been dying to attend and today I woke up and was too damn tired and didn't give a damn.  Warning if you want to keep a fire going you need to add fuel.  I'm doing a very lousy job.  As I've said time after time if my faith depended on "good works" I would never make it onto God's pay roll.  Today I don't care about anything.  I figured I'd just better write so I'm not completely dead inside.  Still want to go out and buy some comfort food (which I can't do because I'm on a frigging diet) and buy a bunch of trashy magazines and curl up in a ball.  Hope I can find a ton of trashy magazines.  I'm soooo tired and this medication is making me had weirder dreams that usual.  Everybody stay out of my way today because I'm in a kind of pre-prozac, pre-Jesus, pre well just the scary person I used to be and I wouldn't want to meet her.  Okay my guys got home so say good bye to peace and quiet.  My eight year old is yaking up a storm and my husband is in the kitchen.  Time to go back to bed.  I figured I could sneak out for a walk but then my son would beg to keep me company and I don't want to be around anyone.

Why am up at this hour because I don't want to go to sleep.  You know your life is really going down hill when you actually look forward to opening up your spam folder.  I mean most junk mail I toss in the garbage.  Fortunately I can see the subject before I actually open it so I usually don't.  And I have good enough virus protection thank goodness. Not the cheap crap Macafee that AOL gives you.  Some help it crashed my entire computer last year.  Nothing I love better than reinstalling all of my software.  Speaking of virus' I love the commercial where the Swedish lady says "Do you 'ave Vorms?"  Last time around it was "vorms and germz".  Makes me crack up.  See I'm easily amused like a cat with a piece of string.  Only thing is the cat eventually figures out that the string is attached to the human, ignores it and curls up in a comfortable place and goes to sleep.

I'm pissed at you because you forgot and you know who you are.  Right now I hate your guts and am angry with myself for being such a fool all this time.  As if you really gave a damn about me.  Yeah, right.  In my fantasy life.  In reality you are a poor excuse for a human being that I've let other people make excuses for.  They blame it on several things.  Grow up already .  You can change your own f-ing diaper and you've never shown an iota of maturity towards me.  You really suck big time and I thought much more of you.  Stupid me with my unrealistic expectations.  Be happy I don't live in your area code because I'd like to kick your spoiled ass.  I know you've never seen my evil twin have you.  She's pretty awful and she's here to tell you she hates you.

I'd like to say I'm sorry for being so nasty but it would be a lie.  The real me is a nasty rotten person who most people would never like.  The pre-medicated, stepped on, pre-godly creature who has been let out of the dungeon.  Wow it feels good to be angry.  Maybe I'm going through the big change.  Ahhhaaaa I can blame something on hormones.  Actually I found out tonight from my pharmacist who knows everything that my doctor (who apparently knows nothing) has been giving me an antibiotic which I'm allergic to.  I've always said have a good pharmacist.  Should have remembed my own advice.  See the high price you pay for being unemployed free medical insurance at the doctor NOT of your choice.  I miss my doctor.  The one I had for over 20 years, the one who knows which end is which, who doesn't keep me waiting two hours. 

I see I scared a few people.  Good for me.  If it would pay me a salary even better.  I'm just pissed off at everyone and everything.  I'd like to kick my lazy no good husband in the ass.  I think he's finally woke up and smelled the cappucino that if anything happened to me like duh gee what would he do.  Damn, I married twice and made bad choices both times.  Only the second time around I got a wonderful son.  Can't discount that.  His father is absolutely useless though. 

Things that would have made my life easier:

Being an ass kisser.

Marrying for Money if I knew then what I know now I would have done it.

Being pretty and stupid

I’ve yet to see nary a plantain at the Banana Republic.

The baby next door is crying her head off.  Her mother is a 17 year old who is more interested in doing her nails than her kid.  The interesting twist in this scenario is that the father is around.  He reminds me of Goofy the dog when he talks to you but he loves his kid.  Or he did haven't seen him around lately.  So don't I sound horrible and judgmental.  That this kid will grow up with a mother who is supported by my tax dollars and isn't doing a damn thing but hanging out on the street corner.  Condoms are so much cheaper.  I don't understand the reluctance to be smart and use birth control.  Then there wouldn't be a free ride.  I'm glad the walls are thin because if the kid cries much longer I'm going over there.  Mother's instinct I guess.

How do you let someone so special know how much they mean to you without them shrugging it off.  Hiding under a tough exterior.  Maybe I've been guilty of it myself.  But there's someone in this universe who deserves the biggest hug I can muster and I'm not sure they would take it.  Maybe I think too much of myself.  Maybe I think they don't even like me.  Why do I deal with insecurity.  Because I'm human.  I'm too scared to tell people how I really feel because sometimes that slap in the face hurts too damn much. 

I am expecting Rod Serling to appear any minute standing behind me, smoking his cigarette and telling me I’m in the Twilight Zone.  I think I've been living in the fourth dimension because it's the only way that the story I’m about to tell you makes sense:

Oh I hate your f-ing guts

Doo Dah, Doo Dah

Oh I hate your f-ing guts

Oh Doo Doo Dah Day

Oh Doo Doo Dah Day

Oh Doo Doo Dah Day

Oh I hate your f-ing guts

Oh Doo Dah Day.

I'm glad that the general population (being made up of very diverse people including those who will tell me when I'm making an ass of myself) that it was something the Nutcase did to screw up my getting the job not anything I said.  Going over all the conversations in my head with her past I tend to agree.  She wanted me to come up to her office to tell her boss his voice was sexy, she loves children but would have an abortion if she ever got pregnant, she was married to someone from another country (for years) and didn't tell her parents (they thought they were just living together and they adored him) because they were helping them out financially and she was afraid they wouldn't.   The last time I saw her before two weeks ago was when she finally "told" her parents that they were married and that they would still help them with the rent.  Since then Dad bought them an apartment in Manhattan but they pay the maintenance.  (Her husband by the way was a doll.  She would call him her "Arabian Prince" and sit there and read poetry about him in front of him with me there making him blush and he would say "I heard this before".  At that time he was in school so finances were tight.  Now he's doing something with computers and earning a good salary (which he deserves).  So our friendship has been terminated boo hoo.  As I said what friendship.  Gee the people we meet.  Have to consider it an early Christmas present -- I got a fruitcake.

I'm unusually tired today.  It seems to be in the air as my husband and son went in to take a nap a half an hour ago.  I'm still depressed over that entire interview thing.  It's like I had the winning lottery ticket and someone stole it from me.  I know why I might have not been to blame it doesn't make the letdown any easier.  Tuesday I go for my Echo Doppler.  They are going to take a picture of my heart.  In addition to my recently diagnosed high blood pressure my heart is beating faster than usual.  I have been having pains in my chest but I know from experience that they are from the hiatal hernia/reflux.  Still I'm worn out.  Realzied that I have the choir audition on Thursday and don't even care.  It's been over a month since I've been to church and a good part of me is thinking of letting it go once and for all.  That's when I'm glad God keeps me on a short leash.  He has been since he got me back almost three and a half years ago.  Still the desire to to go to church is nil.  The desire to sleep is overwhelming.  I feel like I've let myself down.  I feel like I'll never work again.  I feel all those feelings I've felt in the past.  Wednesday I meet with a big time headhunter.  It's a large company and they have different departments so there's a real possiblility I could kiss lawyers goodbye forever which is what I've been wanting to do for years.  It's just that they pay better than all the things I'd really like to do.

Feel like curling up on the couch with a good movie.  Now that we have DSL (actually Broadband) we have HBO.  Eight channels of nothing.  Still haven't set up my voice mail yet.  Decided to get rid of the answering machine when I realized that I don't want any more wires on my floor.  It already looks like Medusa got a hair cut under my phone.  Also don't have to worry about resetting the answering machine, erasing anything etc.  Then again only five people have my number so I'm not so worried about anyone leaving a message.  Why am I so sleepy.  Maybe because I took three valium last night.  True only 15mg (all together) which shouldn't make me more tired than usual but I realize that now that I'm angry it's turning into sadness.  I think it's time to grieve about what I didn't get and move on.  I've spent too much mental exercise on going over the intereview again and again saying oh if I didn't say that but I realize that it's not me.  And you know something if by some chance it was better I didn't work for someone like that.  I'm sick of working around bosses where I have to walk around on eggshells or yes them to death. 

Last week in addition to everything else my doctor told me I have high blood pressure.  Which knocked me for a loop since I've always been told I have "textbook" blood pressure.  Part of the reason I've been trying to lose weight is that high blood pressure runs in my family --my mom.  Then the the doctor took an ekg and said "I want you to go for another test". Turns out it's something called an Echo Doppler which is non-invasive.  The thing with the blood pressure medication (which I take around six in the evening) is that within an hour I'm zonked out.  So I just took my 7 hour nap and I'm awake.  Good maybe I'll finally set up our voice mail.  When we got our DSL (thank you Lord -- actually broad band) we switched our phone as well.  The cable company was getting rich enough and in my neighborhood no cable no t.v. so I decided enough was enough as our normal phone bill was getting higher and higher and since we only used it for our stinky dial up.  I keep joking with people they can come over here an talk all they want because for the same flat rate I can yak my brains out to anyone in all the states plus Canada and Puerto Rico.  Any volunteers.

 

I confess I love being awake when the rest of the house is asleep.  I can think.  Pleased with myself.  Tomorrow I meet with a big time recruiter.  When I say big time I'll be meeting him (we've already had some hilarious e-mail exchanges and he's on my sick wavelength) and eight of his associates.  A chance to find a real job and possibly get away from attorneys. 

So I decided I needed a suit.  Problem is my finances are in the minus column and I'm a true petite.  So I went into J.C. Penney's since they extended the mall it's down the block.  Found a smashing purple pantsuit for $34!  Not to mention a fuzzy pink velvety blazer and a couple of pairs of pants.  As I said to the salesperson.  I'm so glad you have true petites.  I've gotten wider over the years but certainly not taller.  Thursday I meet with the woman who found me the only job I didn't quit (the office closed) we're going to have lunch.  Feels good to be back in the saddle.  As for my choir audition.  Well I know God has a great sense of humor.

I'm soooo happy I have broadband because now my computer doesn’t have fits of dial up constipation.  And now that we have a new phone plan (got the whole package from our cable company it was cheaper)

I can call anywhere any time.  My son was thrilled.  Today he called one of my favoritest people in the world.    I heard her laughing in the background which was music to my ears.  And my son was soooo happy to talk to her.  And I’m so happy he made her happy.  Made my day too.  I suspect he's going to be calling people I don't even know now that he knows our phone bill won't go up.  A conversation with him can be pretty interesting as he's not your average eight year old.  A chip off the old block.  He's been sick with strep throat for the past couple of days (everyone he called knows that too).  Made me feel good that he wanted me (his mom) to comfort him.  I love that little bugger even when I don't like what he's doing (and he knows it).  If I never accomplish another thing in my life I realize that having him was my greatest work of art and I am very blessed.  And maybe one day if I'm lucky the kid will pass the phone to me.