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I am the fool who wears my heart on my sleeve.

I am the fool who gets my heart broken.

I will never learn.

Why did I think you really cared about me? 

Is there an emoticon for stupid?

I'm really disappointed.  I thought you were a better person than that.  What should I expect though given all the factors that I've refused to factor in.  Dummy me.  Time to make some new friends or should I say real friends instead of the friends I've been pretending are friends. 

 yeah you asshole I'm taking about you

My problem:  I don't make friends easily and I don't give up friends easily.  But why did I think you were my friend in the first place?  I guess in my imagined fantasy world you filled the bill.  Gosh am I stoopid.

I was re-reading my old entries from last year.  Who woulda thunk I was so interesting?

Went to a Bible study tonight.  Made me remember what keeps me sane.  Prayer and Medication.

Tomorrow I start work for a very strange lawyer on a trial basis -- yuk yuk trial basis -- lawyer get it.  Oh I just crack myself up.  This guy is weird.  I went on the interview two weeks ago.  First he said that he would like to try me on a trial basis (fine with me) then said someone was coming in the next week for a few days but he hoped I would come on board.  His partner seems like the sane one.  Was charmed with me when I told him that copying machines eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I would be the person to call service.  So Mr. Weird and forgetful (he's lost my phone numbers three times and my resume once) called me last Wednesday to ask if I was free next week and could we try it out for a few days and he'd call me the next day.  Thursday comes and goes and by Friday afternoon I decided I'd better give him a call.  To which he said I thought we had agreed you'd come in on Monday.  Maybe he and his imaginary friend agreed.  And I said no you said you would call me.  So tomorrow at 12:30 I get to go in.  Someone suggested I say hi I worked last week where's my pay.  Lawyers are never foregetful when it comes to money.  They could be in the advanced stagest of Alzheimers and believe me they will remember every penny they had to spend.  Ah well we'll see what happens.  Money is money and part time he won't own me.  He'll probably ask who I am when I come in.  Did I mention that he looks like a cross between Jerry Orbach and Mr. Burns.

Have spent most of the evening down loading music on to my computer.  It seems I always forget that I need music to survive.    Well I took the gig -- will be working 20-25 hours a week, no pressure, can read a book when I don't have anything to do which is most of the time...welcome to retirement.  Okay now let's hope my husband doesn't let me down.  I could see his resistance tonight when I told him he wouldn't be able to take his usual dancing gig in the Nutcracker because he's not going to get the time off from the real job he'd better have.  Gee welcome to the real world having to do something you don't love to support the people you do love.  Damn I've only been doing it our entire relationship.  It's your turn bud.  Don't f it up.

Remember when we first met and I bought you this CD -- although at the time it was a cassette tape -- and we'd stay in bed for hours and listen to this song.  It's hard to believe there was ever an us.

Could I be coming out of this emotional fog I've been living in? 

I'm smiling now.

Who woulda thunk that I'd like anything by Black-eyed Peas.  This song is hysterical and I'm wiggling like a person with rhythm.

This song is too funny.  I keep listening to it over and over again.  Thank goodness no one can see me.

I will never ever in a million years tell anyone that this song is on my playlist.  I will never admit that I am listening to it either....ha ha ha....this is fun.

Is this writer's enema? 

Boy Jessica were you stupid to dump him!  But then again I always thought you were stupid.

Guess I have a new crush.  Whew no no one can read what I just wrote!

If I'm the only person on earth who ever bought this CD why did it take so long to find? 

Damn I want that I-Pod (or should I say the Samsung one that is cheaper and better). Chit, I have the credit but not the money.  And I need my meds -- my real meds.  When the hell are they going to send them? 

Is this as boring as it sounds?