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I miss Nancy.  She's on vacation for two weeks and it seems like two years.  She's one of the very few people who gets me because she is me.  Scary, scary.  I hope we'll celebrate my birthday when she comes back -- not that we ever did before.

In three days I'll be 50.......arggghhhh

I'm not sure why I'm paying for Tabulas.  Force of habit.  GoDaddy won't give me a free blog unless I buy another domain name and I have enough trouble with my website as it is.  Damn I feel awful.  It's blazing hot outside and it's 2:00 a.m.  The heat index is 100.  I hate the hot weather.  Interestingly enough my boss has a funeral to go to on Thursday so it will be 20 years and running that I haven't worked on my birthday.  I'm depressed about this birthday.  I'm scared to turn 50 because I think about dying.  I'm sure this low carb diet isn't helping either. 

dumb ass bear

I was born at 7:33 in the evening so I won't be 50 till tomorrow night.   So what has changed since I turned 40?

1.  Married to him.

2.  Have a kid

3.  Ipod replaced walkman

4.  Weigh more

5.  Now every freaking person in the world has a cell phone but nyeh nyeh I had mine 10 years ago when they were analog and had the same ring and I was never obnoxious with it.

Okay since I never take any of those dumb quizzes? 

Chocolate or Vanilla?

Pistachio

My birthday turned out to be pretty uneventful.  Spent the day at home because it was over 100 degrees that day.  Went to work the next day.  I was let down though.  I just expected more fanfare, certainly a present or two.  It's true that for the past 10 years or so I've been buying myself my own presents but I thought that certain people would have remembered and expressed it with a present.  I might sound like a selfish bitch but the fact is that turning 50 was a big deal to me and I would have liked more of a celebration.  Yesterday I went to my parents house and I was forced to endure a "celebration" with the family.  Translation:  my bratty nieces and my brother and uptight (stupidly pregnant again -- you wouldn't believe she makes a six figure salary -- like duh) sister-in-law.  My mother made enchaladas and I said that my son didn't eat them because all the kids filled up on pasta actually they sucked and again no one gave me a present.  And even that wonderful cake that we all raved about sucked also.  I would have much rather spent the day at home or at the playground with my son.  The only funny point was when my older niece started her spoiled brat routine and my son said "Susie* could we not hear the part of you what whines."  Good for him.  My younger niece is actually sweet, affectionate and not like her sister.  I suspect when she gets older she'll beat the crap out of her spoiled older sister.  Come to think of it she's as big as she is so miss spoiled brat should watch out.  It will be interesting to see what happens when the other kid pops out.  The one who should will should be named oops!

My husband came into the bedroom this morning and said "I was sitting at the table and your I-pod just turned on by itself and I didn't know what to do" and I said "that's what it does to keep intruders away!"  I finally told him that it does that from time to time but oh the fun I could have had.  This is the man who called me at work one day frantic (my husband never gets frantic) and said "something has gone wrong with Microwave Soft" and I said "what" and he said "you know on the computer the box with the little blue W."  Okay, now I know when I started in the workforce we used carbon paper (funny that's how they date fossils), and I learned how to type on a manual typewriter but I've been immersed in the computer age long enough to be user friendly  -- with software anyway -- hardware I leave that to someone who knows what they're doing.  So it's kind of endearing when something goes "amiss" with the computer and it freaks out my dear sweet husband.  Even my eight year old knows more than he does but so do most kids.  When my brother was still living at home and my father got his first computer he was calling my brother's name out loud every second.  I suspect that's the real reason he moved out.  And more often than not nothing was wrong with the computer.  Although one fine day my father turned on his monitor (in the days of monochrome), it made a popping sound and smoke started coming out of it -- just like in the cartoons.  This weekend when I was over there I finally talked my father into getting rid of his dial up -- since they are practically giving away broadband -- my mother can rest easy now because now the cats won't jump 29 feet in the air every time the modem dials up and goes into the banshee mode before it connects.  Plus my mother doesn't like the sound.  Then again she doesn't like my father.  I have to say that watching my parents together has made me much more patient with my husband because I never want to be like that.  I don't want our son to grow up saying "my parents can't stand one another".  He watches us hug, he's also watched us argue and come to a resolution which hands down is the most important thing.  Then again my son also tells me "you met, had sex and you got me!"  Hey, I'd rather him know his parents have sex (which is normal) than watch Rambo movies and think blowing someone's brains out is normal. 

Meanwhile as I said our computers are down, we’re waiting for the guy to come ya de dah…

Making dinner while the boys watch t.v. in the bedroom.  I'm watching Law & Order.  Had a frap and took the express bus home today so at least I'm being nice to myself.  Still disappointed with certain people (who shall remain nameless) who gave me nothing for my birthday.  Funny how the people with nothing gave me something and the people with everything ignored me.  I was really surprised to say the least.  I guess I have to stop being so nice -- yeah right like that will happen.

I am so sick of being sick.  This alien force which has invaded my body won't leave.  I want it to go away.  I'm congested, coughing and nothing from otc is working.  I don't want to go to the doctor because it will no doubt result in a long wait and antibiotics and I've taken enough of those in the past two years to last for two lifetimes.  But I might have to before I cough up a lung.  Gee who could have known that posting about every day stuff could be so fascinating.

How we want to protect the hearts of the ones we love.

We can only stand back and wait

With band aids and boxes of tissues

I'm a tiny bit sleepy.  Took an otc sleeping pill which might knock me out and will leave me draggy in the morning.  Time to go to the doctor for something that works.  Yesterday I was reading a pamphlet on insomnia.  Yep the two meds that keep me from going crazy are keeping me awake at night. 

You don't want to talk to me when I say hello well f***k you.  I don't need your approval.  I don't care if you don't like me because I don't like you.  You are not friendly in the least. In the beginning you said you weren't grimicing at me it was your nerve jaw thing but you know something I just don't like you.  You sit in your office playing poker and then wait till the last 1/2 to get your work done.  Granted that I get paid if I sit and do nothing but your partner (who is away this week and I miss him terribly) gets his work done and sends me home if there's nothing else to do.  He also buys me iced coffee.  You, on the other hand, have never even given me so much as a life saver.  As a matter of fact you would have forgotten my paycheck had I not found it on your partners desk. 

I feel like I'm getting my period even though it's at least two weeks away.  I'm achy, tired, bloated.  And I'm avoiding my other mailbox so I don't have to hear the "joyous" account of Amber's* baptism.  I don't need to hear how many people were blessed, how you are starting another baptism class so Sonia* (whose annoying mother wouldn't let her get baptized because she thought she was too young -- yeah right -- you controlling bitch) can go through the joy of the next one and how I should attend.  Yeah right.  You know since you two became pastors your husband is even more arrogant than he ever was.  He can't preach worth a damn (even though you are giving me that biblical nonsense about assuming your role as a pastor's wife -- please) and he wouldn't let my kid take communion but offered it to the photog who was covering your "meeting".  You didn't read the photog a passage from the Bible on condemnation.  Don't you get it I'm not interested in your newfound, self-righteous concept of God.  Ya de dah dah.  And if you ever feed me a plate full of tentacles again I'll give them to the cat.

Update:

I read the e-mail.  So your husband will be pastoring full time.  Pastors like that the world doesn't need.  Pictures from the baptismal service?  Looks like you were having a picnic on the beach to me.  By the way if you are going to be teaching full time you should be made aware that teaching is not spelled "teacheing."

Dummy boss gave me something to type and right before I could start he's changing it.  Actually it's some dumb letter for a friend of his and it made no sense.  Maybe you'll actually make some sense of it.

Yet Another Update:

I typed the letter and even the boss realized it didn't make sense.  Only had to call the guy twice.  Still thinking of the fact that Marcus* is going to be a full time pastor.  He's going to quit his good full time job where he excels and work in a field where he doesn't.

A mocha frapuccino can cure anything that ails you!

I wonder if I was just being used all this time.  I really don't want to entertain the thought because it will break my heart.  But stupid me always gives a mile and not an inch.  Well you know where to find me and I might not be around when you do!

I am so happy -- got great seats for Phantom of the Opera.  The chandelier will practically be on top of our heads and I will be close and personal to the masked man of my fantasies.  I started going to shows when I was around six.  When I think about it I saw "history" in the making.  I think my son is most excited about going to BBQ and eating fried shrimp before the show.

I still miss you sometimes.  Was thinking about you the other day...the what if and I knew it could never be.  Do you think of me.  I will be thinking even more of you when the leaves start to fall and I'll remember...

Well Duh lame brain yeah my paycheck.  You think I do this for love?  You said turn on your machine because you have dictation.  My machine is always on why don't you interrupt your poker game so I don't have to sit around playing Upwords all day.  I can't wait till your partner gets back next week because I like him so much better.  He gives me his newspaper, he asks how I am (but then again he asks how everyone is but the point is he asks), brings me iced coffee, lets me leave early when there's nothing going on.  When you give me something to do I do it 110 percent so why do you make me wait around so long.  I could easily blame this mood on PMS but it's more fun to blame it on you.

Before my kid was born I always said I will never say I won't spank my kid because that's what rear ends are for.  But I do remember saying I will never resort to bribery.   This morning my son was being fresh (I think it's the age thing because he'll sass off to me and then kiss me in the same breath) and I said "if you don't behave I'm not taking you to see Phantom I'm going to take Grandma instead."  He started to plead "nooooooo you'd better not" and I said "then you'd better behave."  Just think I have an entire week to hold it over his head till the chandelier is over ours.

I just posted a comment on my "stepson's" blog.  He's a pretty smart young man.  Where he got the mind for physics is beyond me as his mom is an artist (quite gifted I might add) and his father doesn't have a head for science.  He doesn't know it's me (at least I hope not).  Kind of interesting that I know more about his life than his father does because his father was an asshole when it came to his firstborn.  Rather than take responsiblilty for acting like an irresponsible jackass he still blames his ex (she and I are friends which really makes hubby crazy) and even his kid.  But my husband loves playing a victim.  When I married him I said "I would never divorce you -- just murder you" I think he still sleeps with one eye open.  

I am perfectly content right now.  I haven't felt that way in a long time.  I'm sitting at my computer, my husband at his.  Our son is asleep.  My son and I had an awesome day.  Much of it was spent in the playground where he played in the sprinklers and turned the big slide into a water slide.  Little did I realize that I wasn't safe under the jungle gym -- no shade in that playground -- as I now look like a cooked crustacean.  I'm looking out at our view.  I took this apartment for the view -- we are on the 17th floor and can see Shea Stadium and Arthur Asche Stadium and for miles beyond that and tonight the city looks especially pretty.  Right now I don't want to be anywhere else but here. 

My poor kid woke up today looking like a french fried onion ring.  Why didn't I bring sun block?  Because he didn't get burnt last week.  I felt terrible and said things like I'm a bad mother and my son said that I wasn't a bad mother that the sun was bad sun.  Of course my mother took all the honors at making me feel like sh*t as in how could I, didn't I know better etc etc.  I did get me out of visiting the family today thank goodness as I need a tranquilizer shot from an elephant gun to be around my nieces.  My son also realizes that "grandma nags me to death and tries to make me feel guilty."  He assured me that I'm not at all like that.  Whew thank goodness for not repeating the mistakes of my parents -- at least in this instance.

I feel very out of sorts.  Both of my bosses are behind closed doors.  Closed doors always make me nervous because nothing good has ever come of them in my life.  I also noticed that I didn't get as much as a hello from the boss who went on vacation.  I always thought he was the nice one also.  I feel scared because this is the best job I've ever had although I confess I haven't put much effort into it.  But then again it never invites me to put any effort into it.  I mean I have so little to do and nothing to make me "look" busy which I think is criminal anyway.  I mean if you have nothing to do why should you look busy.  My desk is clean, I have nothing to file, I can't invent stuff that isn't there.  Whatever.  I can't live my life in fear.  I confess I miss the full time paycheck. Okay now they are both on the phone and I can hear everything.

I guess some people would be thrilled by the prospect of having a job where you are paid to do nothing.  The bottom line is that it's boring.  Yesterday I helped my boss download his vacation photos and e-mail them to other people.  It was nice when he took the time to show me the prints and tell me all about them.  He's also very appreciative when I show him computer stuff.  A thank you and I appreciate it goes a long way something former bosses never learned.  Courtesy is free, a smile is free. Some people act like it costs a million bucks!

Why is it you never mention me?  As being important, valuable, someone you can't live without?  I feel like a  piece of driftwood in your life.  Why should it bother me so much?  I guess I overrated my importance in your life.  Story of my life.

Eat the cookie.  Don't eat the cookie.  You're not hungry.  It will make you feel better.  Says who? 

Flattering child

you shall know me,

see why in shadow

I hide

Look at your face

In the mirror-

I am there

Inside!

Maybe it's because my real life is so sucky now that I long to be part of an imaginary world.  Of course being swept away by a handsome, mysterious man isn't my dream alone.

What can I say about Monday?  It's raining, I'm too cold in my sleeveless shirt (a first) and I'm feeling blue.  Thank goodness I have POTO on my ipod so I can still get lost in the music.  I'm so glad J* gets it.  I hope I don't join the realm of crazed "Phans" who have turned PHTO into a religion.  Then again wanting to be rescued is the basis of almost all religions anyway.  I mean why to we turn to God, why do we need a savior.  If we didn't need saving we wouldn't have a savior right?  Back to dreamland.

What are you doing right now?

Asking myself dumb questions. 

Last five songs played on ipod

Think of Me

Angel of Music

Little/Lotte/The Mirror/Angel of Music

The Phantom of the Opera

The Music of the Night