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Blahg

I wish I had something wise or comforting to say.  But I don't.  I've been there and I've also had my heart thrown across a room, stomped on and broken into 38 pieces.  And even though it was in another lifetime the hurt never went away.  All the conversations I had in my head when he just decided to move to California.  Like I thought I mattered at the time.  When He was first offered a job in Houston and didn't take it I thought for sure it was because of me.  And when he swept off to New Hope, Boston, his living room giving me eye-crossing sex okay technically good sex but no passion from him.  No, all the passion was from me -- stupid me.  And when he went off to San Francisco and finally came and home and said he was going back to live.  He didn't know how I saw the love notes from the woman he was screwing while he was there. And you sob when you said how I still knew how to kiss and proceeded to screw me for one last time.   I always wondered if he moved to be with her.  All the things I said to him in my head that he never heard.  I'd like to say I got over him.  But it's 23 years later and he still occupies a place in my brain.  I keep him on the shelf most of the time but when I take him off it comes too close to my heart.  And I quickly put him back up there again.  Yeah jackass I would have married you even though you didn't love me.

I hope you checked your voice mail cookie.

Blahg

I just woke up from a four hour nap.  Must be getting ready for my winter hibernation.  Have to get up early to work the "first shift". Good I'll get to use my brain for three hours I hope it can rise to the occasion.

Blahg

I just played kissy face to the "writer" who pissed me off for weeks.   In all fairness I could have been getting pissed at a snotty 14 year old kid and shouldn't be angry over her total obsession and over enthusiasm since she has the time to role play all day.  Glad I dropped out of her story though.  I'm making nice since our paths will cross often if I want to still be part of the fun.    Ahh the trials of being a POTO fan.  Time to start my own version for old folks.  After all some of us have lives (poor us) and not much time for fun stuff.

I realize that a good part of it is I wish I could do my teenage years over again.  I couldn't do it worse than I already did.  They didn't like me then either.

Blahg

I've been in bed Saturday morning (alone) alternating with the couch -- drinking peeing medicating sleepig eating watching t.v sleeping medicating peeing.  Today I did the same thing.  Now if only the hacking cough would go away.  Right now I sound like a cross between a three pack a day smoker and an old radiator.  Just took a sleeping pill.  Saw a new shrink on Friday who listened to what I had to say and gave me what I needed to have no nonsense when I told him that I was there because the big "I" and could no longer see my doctor of many years he understood immediately and picked up the phone himself to get prior approval for my "brand name" med.  God bless him.  I liked him a great deal.  Only have to see him once a month.  Gee I'm starting to feel drowsy.  Not clunk but like I'm going to drift off peacefully.  Now let's hope I stay asleep for 7 full hours which is what I've wanted for at least six months now.  Have to be at work early tomorrow.  Okay I think my fingers can no longer connect to the keyboard or my brain.

Blahg

I must look like I'm at death's door.  My boss actually went downstairs to get me a cup of tea.  My other boss said around 5:00 p.m. "you aren't feeling well?"  Me" NO.  "You can go home."  Of course I came in an hour early.  My husband asked me how my cold was (when I called home) he never asks when I'm sick and even my co-worker asked me how I was feeling.  Shitty.  Came home conked out.  I feel like my body is the tracks of the express train.  So I'm up for a couple of hours only to go back to sleep.  Watching a very bad movie.  John Ritter is a wife beater.  Way to go Clifford.

Blahg

A Menorah was destroyed in Long Island.  They are calling it a hate crime.  Jumbo Shrimp?  An untimely death?  A conscious decision?

 Don't have time to have a real meal during the holidays.  Go to KFC and bring home a 10 piece bucket to have a real meal during the holidays.  Guess I won't have my healthy dinner of beer nuts and beef jerky.

Why must NBC do that stupid ass commerical of the entire staff singing around the tree at Rockefeller Center.  I can't throw darts at a moving target.

Blahg

I want to shake you up and down and say dump him he's only hurting you.  He's never treated you well and you are always on the giving -- needy -- crying end.  I know I can't do a damn thing because even if I had the balls to say break up with the jerk you'd only hate me because I remember what it was like to be in love at that age and I would always say he's not a jerk, I love him -- okay one was a real jerk and I broke up with him and met someone lots nicer.  Yes that does happen also.  But waiting for a phone to ring, apologizing for things you didn't do, having your stomach cramp when the phone rings.  It all sucks. 

I wish for you strength

I wish for you real love and respect

I wish for you joy

Blahg

I'm not in the mood to play this stupid game with you.  So you finally get off your computer after hours of being on it and ignoring me and you are standing there naked so I should say gee let me run to bed I'm so lucky.  Oh please. I said when we got married that I'd never divorce you just murder you and I think you took me seriously.  Hmm the idea is becoming more appealing.  I don't think a jury of my peers would convict me.  And certainly your ex would agree but she agreed a long time ago.