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Blahg

I am one happy camper.  I still haven't heard from you.  No doubt you are pissed.  You know what I think?  Im relieved.  Very, very relieved.  You always make me feel like I'm inferior to you.  I'm always afraid of offending you.  And when you loaned me the money it had lots of strings attached.  You told me all this crap about what a good friend you were but he bottom line is that there was a crack about you not being able to pre-pay your taxes because you gave me the money.  You are more affluent than anyone I know and are set for life so don't go blaming it on me.  We also have nothing in common except for our history.  Bottom line is that I have a child and he is the center of my universe.  Sorry that you are bored when I talk about him.  You know damn well I don't have a one track mind.  Speaking of which you are a legend in your own.  Friendship should have no strings attached and you've been pulling mine for years.

Blahg

 X hasn't called or e-mailed me.  I'm hoping this time its forever. 

We outgrew one another a long time ago and he's a master at making me feel guilty.  He doesn't have to worry about the money he "loaned" me (no strings attached sure more strings than a marionette) because he inherited a bundle and it will keep coming in.  I wonder if I'm still the sole beneficiary on his life insurance.  I hope not.  Let him leave it to J or A the women he claims are sisters but he's really madly in love with both of them. 

 Not having him as”friend" is a big relief.  I'm still angry over the fact that when he gave me the last nostringsthat'swhatfriendsarefor loan in the same breath he accused me of not being able to prepay his taxes because he gave the money to me.  He's sitting on a small fortune and I saw the balance of his bank account.  So putting the blame on me not only made me feel awful but it made me feel awful.  Oh and the same stories you've been telling me over and over for years,  Iknow half of them are bullshit.  You never even met half the people you say you did and the ones you did meet -- they would have something completely different to say I'm sure.

 

Blahg

So what do you know I"m making friends in the most unexpected places and loving it.  (In my favorite game room on my favorite game site.)  Nice to meet creative people with brains.  I realize I'm in sore need of some new friends.  I've become stagnated. 

Still hoping that my disconnection from "X" is permanent.  Whenever I knew I had to see him it was a burden.  I honestly dreaded it and felt it was an obligation all because of the money.  Yeah the money with no strings attached what are friends for bullshit.  Telling me that he couldn't prepay his taxes because he gave me the money.  He's sitting on more money to keep him comfortable (way more than comfortable) for the rest of his life.  Big difference when I help someone I don't pat myself on the back or try to make the person feel they owe me.    Pretty please don't come back in my life.

Blahg

I'm angry with the whole world and it the feeling appears to be mutual.

I'm angry with my husband of now -- heaven help me -- of almost 10 years.  Why I thought he'd ever change.  I'm so stupid.   I mean his ex wife dumped him because he was a pot smoker and lazy ass -- at least then he was working part time.  So what do I get?  Aggravation.  He finally stopped smoking a couple of years ago because I told him I would divorce him just like his ex wife did and she denied him visitation because he wouldn't clean up his act.  So who did he blame for the rest of his life -- his ex and believe it or not his son who was only six at the time.  What have I done for my husband.  If it weren't for me he wouldn't have a roof over his head.  I endured a crappy job for over two years so he could get new hips.  A year ago I told him to get a job (for real ha) because I found a part time job I loved (at the time) and we couldn't make it on my income.  So I sent him to driving school to get his CDL.  Has he even looked for a job?  The few times he attempted to they didn't want him because he had no experience.  He presumably can't work for UPS or Fed Ex because he's not allowed to lift over 75 pounds or it will damage the hips I paid for with my blood, sweat and tears.  So I plead with him go back to the driving school, put in applications every where, talk to my son's bus driver.  Start somewhere -- that's how you get experience.  I went from being nasty and demanding to being loving and then pleading and saying that your family needs you.  And he hugs me and puts on the remorseful act and yeah yeah he'll try.  And he doesn't.  So tonight when I got home from work exhausted -- and still in pain from the dentist's excavation in my mouth Saturday and my biting my cheek so hard because I couldn't feel anything that it still looks and feels like a battlefield inside.  My son who can be the sweetest kid in the world has turned into an ungrateful monster.  Apparently I didn't play one of his imaginary games right and he's not speaking to me.  Now I know I won't stay angry at a nine year old.  I mean he's nine and unfortunately he's inherited my stubborness -- I'm praying not my depression.  I mean crap most of my family is on meds (or should be) a fact I didn't find out till late in life.  So now my husband is in bed with my son till he falls asleep.  And usually after a time I would wake my husband and say get into our bed.  But tonight I'm so angry and so lonely and we don't have much of a sex life anyway.  At first I blamed it on myself because I've gained so much weight over the past two years but I've been trying to lose it.  And the bottom line is that I still have normal sexual desires.  It appears that my husband does not.  I mean the few times we have done it I've been so disappointed.  I've even suggested the little blue pill but I know the problem is deeper than that.  And crap why didn't I leave him years ago when I met T*.  Becasue T* didn't want to leave his family and it wouldn't have worked with him anyway.  Let's face it all my life I've chosen losers.  You'd think by age 50 I would have learned better.  Apparently not.

Blahg

I notice how you tried to be ultra affectionate with me and I ignored you.  Now you're ignoring me.  At least I was having fun pushing you away.  If I didn't do that I'd scream at you and say why did I marry such a loser.  But I swore I would never threaten divorce again and certainly not in front of my son.  I tell my son all the time I love his dad.  Maybe I do but I sure don't like him very much.  I don't like him at all.  He's lazy, good for nothing and I wish I could just get him the hell out of my life.  It's complicated when you have kids though.  I could never hurt my son like that but his father I wish I could send him on a slow boat to anywhere.