tabulas.com

Blahg

I was never one to have a lot of friends.  For most of my life I had maybe one or two close friends.  Except when I was active in church and felt like I had many friends.  But now since X and I aren't speaking and hopefully will never speak again.  As I said that so called "friendship" had too many strings attached.  I'm not speaking to my parents and it's finally mutual.  They don't call and I don't call.    I stopped seeing them because frankly being around them is toxic for me.  They bring out the worst in me.  My dad with his constant anger makes me act the same way and my mother's nagging -- that brings out the worst in me.  Sometimes I miss talking to my mother because on a one-on-one we can have a good conversation.  But most of the time I'll have to hear her complain about my father, what my brother and sister-in-law are doing right or wrong.  Hey he's the good kid.  The smart kid the kid who made a success out of his life and married a women who is equally successful.  They've even stopped harping on how stupid they were to have a third child (definitely an oops).  But me I'm the fu*k up.  I've never amounted to anything.  Drifted from one job to another -- well being a legal secretary you never starve just need meds after a time.  I'm unhappy that I don't have the urge to write.  When I bought this computer the idea was to take it out of the house and sit under a tree somewhere and write for hours.  This computer has never been out of the house.  Finally after two and a half years I ordered the laptop backpack and the box has been sitting unopened in my living room for a week and a half.  I feel sometimes that I'll never amount to anything and I feel unloved and unhappy.  When my son hugs me or says I love you mom then it changes.  I don't feel that way about my husband.  Intellectually we are miles apart.  He doesn't get me and never did.  Which is why I almost left him when our son was two.  (Met someone in a chat room who had the same problem with his wife but we both got smart -- actually he was the smart one -- and went back to his wife and kid.).  I need a friend.  A friend who gets me.  Who has the same wicked sense of humor.  Who is smart.  Who I don't have to "explain" myself to. 

Anyway off to the dentist I go.

Blahg

These are the times I really wish I had a friend to talk to.  A friend who "gets" me.  Obviously that person has to be an owl also.  I need someone with a quick wit, intelligent and as I said someone who "gets me".  The last person who really "got me" was T*.  At the time it wasn't called an on-line affair but in retrospect it was.  We were in "love". We were so in sync with one another -- we could finish each other's sentances.  When he came to NY to meet me reality set in.  The attraction wasn't there plus his maturity (thank goodness) that we should go back to our families.  But I still miss him terribly.  Wish I could just call to say hi and shoot the breeze as we never ran out of things to talk about.  Anyone out there?  Shucks I have unlimited calling to all the states and never even use my phone.  The other thing about this person is that he was a writer who made his living from his craft.  And he brought out all the creativity in me.  Anyone out there?