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I'm going back to work tomorrow.  Today I still felt dizzy and had cramps.  In the past, before I found out what total pricks they were, I would have gone in and worked but no more.  I have learned my lesson.  I'm not asking for pay for the "sick" days so they won't think I'm trying to get something over on them.  But my plans to get the hell out of there are official.  I've unearthed my two year old resume, and my husband knows that his not having a job isn't an option anymore.  What I would love to do is get them to let me go so I could collect u/c, look for a job etc.  As much as I would like to tell them to go to hell I've been there for over a year and a half so I have to part on good terms. 

 What's interesting that through this I've found out who my true friends are.  Some surprises, some disappointments.  The people i share my time with are very special and I'm not wasting another minute on fair weather, only wanting me when there's a crisis, boring the crap out of me with yoru mundane "problems."  Won't S* (person who has desk behind me) be surprised when I no longer give her advice.  I realize that I've been plahying shrink for the past year and a half (my fault because I was so bored I listened to her and offered advice).  And I'm glad that I found out what a gem J* is.  Thank God she's also in my office.  She's the best new true friend (I hope) I've made in years.  She's going to school, working full time, raising two kids (without much help from her husband from what I can tell.  I mean they both work full time but it seems she does everything -- gee what else is new). 

Tomorrow I'll be bleeding like a stuck pig (the way the cramps have been coming anyway) and I'm happy to say that I have plenty of painkillers (both from overseas and the good old American kind -- got to really "save" those as they work much better) so I won't have to hurt and well will probably be much "happier" at work.   Who the fuck cares if I make mistakes (likely not as I'll be working for the ones who have the totally brainless work) what can they do fire me -- oh please do.

And the good news is I no longer work at the job from Hell.  To make a long story short I got of there as gracefully as I could, am going to collect u/c and get on with my life.  Isn't it interesting how last night I slept for the first time in six weeks without waking up every hour or so being upset.  Mind you this was after taking an Ambien and a Clonopan and it didn't keep me knocked out.  I didn't realize what truly awful shape I was in.  Would you believe the jerks still want me to come in and work for them.  I said the only way I'd do it is if they pay me off the books.  I'm sure I won't be seeing them anytime soon. 

I haven't been to bed yet.  I'm wondering if I'm going to crash or is it that my body is so relieved.  My tooth is bothering me again but I feel rejuvinated.  I can tell my husband isn't happy that I'm not only home but awake.  He knows that he has to get off his ass and get a job because (a) he HAS to work because we need the money and (b) I'm tired of being the one who supports this family.  If I had a penny for all the things he "says" he does I'd be rich.  If I had a penny for all the things he "actually" does well I'd be as financially well off as I am now.  No one has ever forced my husband to take responsibility.  When his first marriage ended he lost all visitation with his son because he refused to stop smoking pot and become fully financially responsible.  Well not much has changed.  He has stopped smoking pot because I told him that I was going to divorce him--and he can't fool me because he knows that he might have to pee in someone's cup at a moment's notice.  Actually from what I garnered he was working "more" at his part time jobs -- bringing in more income during his first marriage so I don't know why his ex complained about that.  All the other things ... well I agree with her.  Something I know he still can't stand to this day that (a) I defend her and (b) I'm friends with her. 

Sent an e-mail to my best bud to let her know I'm awake.  We might be having lunch today after at least two months of not seeing one another.  Unfortunately, she's had the same dental problems I've had so I don't know.  She's usually up at the crack of dawn and I haven't heard from her yet so maybe she hasn't checked her computer.  I'll be very surprised if we get together today.  But then again I'm a free agent so there's always next week.  Youch I have a headache. 

Oh and I have to pat myself on the back for getting my son out of bed and off to school.  When he first woke up he was complaining of the stuffy nose, sore throat, proceeding to the upset stomach.  And I was very empathetic which is why he's now on his way to school right now.  I think my husband resents the fact that our child gets along much better with me.  My kid and I are so much alike--which is also a thorn in my husband's side.  Too bad.  And yes if I had it to do over again I wouldn't have married him.  Of course then again I wouldn't have this wonderful kid.  I just sometimes wish I had a man in my life who "got" me, who was supportive both emotionally and financially.  The one person who "got" me was years ago and he was also married to someone who didn't get him.  He actually flew to New York to meet me.  I suspect were it not for his daughter who was 11 at the time, no, it's a fact he and I might have wound up together.  So he went back to his boring wife and I went back to my boring husband.  I so understand it now as my son is almost the age his daughter was and you'd do anything not to upset the apple cart.  I think they called this crap "Morning Pages" in the Artist's Way.

Wonderful my tooth is bothering me and I just, no doubt, wasted two of my precious few vicodin.  Damn I don't want to go back to the dentist yet again.  I feel like something is stuck in there and now I'm sleepy.  No no don't let me fall asleep perfectly good waste of painkillers.

Yes, I know why people get addicted to vicodin it makes you feel so damn good. 
Waiting for my phone to ring.  My best friend can't make it today -- her tooth is still bothering her -- gee whiz funny how we both have the same ailments -- but I'm waiting to talk to her.  Never realized how much I missed her.  I'm come to the conclusion (actually I've known this all along) that I'd rather have one true friend than a bunch of fair weather flunkies.  This year (okay in 2007) I finally was able to let go of a toxic friendship I was letting drag on for years.  It was true he helped me out financially -- after he inherited a bundle of money -- but he always held it over my head.  The two most caustic remarks he made:  That I would have been homeless if it weren't for him and that he didn't pay his taxes early because he 'gave me the money'.  Now he only inherited a quarter of a million dollars (I saw the bankbook) in addition to getting monthly interest checks from his dead aunt's stock annuities.  (By the way she was one heck of a sweet lady.  In another lifetime when my former friend and I were dating -- the dating lasted a very short time -- talk about rebound -- I saw a lot of her, went to her house for family gatherings.  And she was also the type that if she gave money she gave it and shut up and let doing the good deed being its own reward.  Every time my former friend "gave" me money he would say "that's what friends are for".  I don't think he even knows the meaning of what a friend really is and that's sad.  Interesting that in the past few years he's lost almost every close friend he's ever had and it's always "their" fault.  I do miss him only because when we were relaxed and hanging out just listening to music or me feeding his animals half my lamb -- we would order out from this wonderful Mideastern restaurant and he became a vegetarian eons ago--it was a fun time.  And then I would give him a haircut.  But those evenings were also draining in that we would mostly reminisce and he would tell the same stories over and over again (and I knew most of them were lies he believed -- harmless stuff like all the women he supposedly picked up -- crap like that) and when I would talk about my kid he would look totally disinterested.  I realize in retrospect that he always tried to "control" me (even before the money) because if I ever challenged him he had a way of always making me wrong because his opinion was the only one that was right.  In a lot of ways he had a kind heart -- he spent a lot of time rescuing and finding homes for stray dogs and cats -- but being his "friend" was so draining.  I know he thinks I've wronged him.  The last time we bumped into one another was July 18, 2007 to be exact and the reason I know is that it was my wedding anniversary and the steam pipe blew near Grand Central and I was locked inside a store when the owner ran out and through as I saw what I now know was a cloud of steam going down the street that I was going to die...so I took the long way home -- actually nothing was running so I took the cross-town bus to go to Penn Station which always relaxes me because there are two newsstands that always have my trashy magazines and I ran smack into him and he was going to a Meatloaf concert and tried to "bully" me into going.   Never mind I said I had just been through the blast and it was my wedding anniversary and wanted to get home and he tried to make me feel guilty (yes, he had a way of doing that) and shrugged it off and said “Well I’ll pick someone up, I always do.”  Yeah right.  And for a few days he sent me e-mails (I don’t remember if I answered any) and then a heartfelt e-card on my birthday to which I wrote him a long heartfelt reply but telling him the truth about how he hurt me and I never sent it because I realized that letting go was much healthier for me in the long run.  Since I didn’t get a Christmas card from him I now know I’m out of his life also.  And to his one remaining friend (if he hasn’t alienated her) he’ll say “it was my fault” just like he said it about everyone else who stopped “walked out of his life.”

 

 

It's bad enough that when you call customer service anywhere these days they say for "English, press 1".  Last time I check this was the USA and English was the native language.  The Dept . of Labor sent me my u/c booklet in Spanish!  As long as when they determine the dollar amount it's in English.  Meanwhile I know I need to get back to work.  We'll see if the other attorney (who used to pay me off the books anyway -- which unfortnately I made known) will call and use me.    We'd get along fine now that he can call me when he has work, not having to "invent" work when he was forced into a situation he obviously didn't want to be forced into in the first place.  Translation, if I go back to work from him I guartantee he'll never raise his voice to me again.  It's on my terms now. 

Praying for lots of miracles.  For my husband to wake up and be a man (i.e. get a real job), that we keep a roof over our heads.  I did say I went back to church a couple of weeks ago.  I'll keep my end of the bargain.  It does keep me sane.

Nobody Loves Me

Everybody Hates Me

I'm gonna go eat worms

Bigs ones

Skinny little ones

I'm gonna go eat worms

Fuzzy wuzzy does does

Fuzzy wuzzy does does

Yummy as can be

I'm gonna go and put them in my mouth

And chew them and spit them out.

 

So I went back to the office for one day.  Yawlk it wasn't my imagination that my old boss was such a fuck up.  That office is fucked up.  Believe it or not the receptionist who I had coined "scitzophone" is the most normal one in the office.  My f/k/a/b (formerly known as boss) has gotten this innocent high school intern in there to do all their dirty work for school credit (translation:  free).  More confirmation I need to find a new profession.  My object of desire (ood) from the karate school called me to say "he knows I got his card and he missed me in school and wanted to talk to me and my son was ready for his blue belt and needed to discuss a "private lesson" (for my son sigh -- okay I'll get my mind out of the gutter but this guy is a big flirt and the thought of him puts my libido in overdrive.  Anyway, I got ahold of my husband to find out what the guy really wanted (since my son was at his karate lesson at the time -- hubby takes him) and I told him "tell them it's okay for him to have a private lesson" (have to ask me because I maxed out my credit card for all these lessons).  Anyway hubby got home and I asked him if ood wanted me to call him still -- nah he just wanted to talk about my son and he misses me at school -- oh fuck it's fun to have a crush on someone.  Anyway, my kid is about to get his blue belt and I'm so far behind him.  I told my I just can't bring myself to go back, stuff has been happening, stress and my 10 year old wisdom boy said "that's no excuse."  I see they are teaching him well.

I was cooking dinner and my son said "mom, the stove is going to burn hotter since dad changed the burners" (we have an electric stove -- not my choice -- and he replaced the aluminum plates under the burners which have been there for 11 years) and I didn't pay attention.  After I lovingly put the rice into my creation I turned up the burner so it would boil, went back in front of the t.v. for a second and the next minute I smelled smoke.  Yucch.  I was so pissed off.  Great now I have to learn how to use the stove all over again.  Anyway, it's been hours and I'm glad it's out of my hair.

I went into my son's room before to check up on him and kiss him like I always do.  I stubbed my toe on his bed.  Suddenly I heard this groggy "HA HA" and I said "did you just Ha Ha me" and he smiled and said "no", smiled and went back to sleep.  Another reason why I love him so much.

Really strange that I'm still awake. But I was able to make breakfast for my kid, spend some time with him and then walk him to the bus. Was he happy.   I really felt like a mom.  Especially when I asked him (when the bus was down the block) can I kiss you goodbye or would that embarrass you.  He said "no, you can't and yes it would" so I said "can I kiss you now" and he said "no" he's growing up folks.