I got my AOL alert and read your journal. Part of me wanted to reach out and hug you and make the pain go away. But I realize that we could never start over. You'd really never think you were to blame in anything and if I pointed it out you'd get defensive and turn the situation around. You always had a way of manipulating me under the guise of friendship. Why do I still miss you?
I can't believe how fucking cold it is outside. I just went to the supermarket, going through the basement (1st floor in our building) and out the back door to dash to the supermarket. I think I was exposed to the air for all of two minutes. I can't feel my face, my chest feels like it has needles in it. Sure, right after I called the Karate school to say I feel better and to schedule me for a private lesson on Monday. How fitting I'm watching "Ninja Warrior" right now. Actually I'm taping it for my pride and joy who is now a blue belt.
I never understood till this moment how people can actually freeze to death because as I get the feeling back in my ears I feel like I'm going to hurl. What the reader (if anyone is reading this) doesn't see is how many typos I made as my fingers thaw out.
I've said for years I wish I lived in a place that was warm year round. I'll take my chances with earthquakes -- after all I saw the planes go into the Trade Center -- rather be swallowed up by the earth.
Every time I see my son get on the school bus and it pulls away I start to cry. I hold it inside till I get to moments like this where I can dwell on it and burst into tears because he's growing up so fast. I was warned from the day he was born "it will go fast" and I never said to anyone "I don't believe you" and I truly understand the expression "they grow up so fast." Did my parents ever feel that way about me? Ever? I think my father might have but my mother was glad to see me go since she let it slip that I wasn't planned in the first place. Yeah and my brother was and he got to go to private school and now he makes a lot of money. My son is the only thing I've ever done "right" in my life and the time is going by way too fast. He said he wanted me to get him up this morning because if his father did it he wouldn't be grouchy so I woke up early and actually baked organic muffins and we joked that we didn't have to worry about Daddy eating them because they are good for you and he won't like them. And I realize as I write this that my kid is the only person in the world who "gets" me." Who is me in so many ways. I just hope he doesn't have all the difficulties I've had. The expession what doesn't kill you will make you stronger well I should be Charles Atlas by now. I know how some parents say they can't wait for their kids to grow up and leave home. I want him to stay home forever. I really don't get my stepson's mom (the kid is 22 and still living at home) and he wanted to move out of the house and get a place with his girlfriend but found out how expensive it was and he's still at home and she lamented that now she couldn't turn his room into a guest room. And I said to her "I'll bet deep down inside you're happy because he's there" and I never got an answer. I suspect she doesn't like his girlfriend. Well she's kind of dimwitted and slow from what I've heard. And I've seen pictures of her and she's so butt ugly -- I mean really disgustingly ugly she looks like a troll. Oh isn't that a mother talking though. Let me just pray that when my son is old enough to date his preference will be a "Joan" instead of a "John". Did I say I pity my brother. His two girls are extremely beautiful and spoiled 8 and 6 and I'm glad I won't have his woes. I think he's finally happy he has a son. The boy is so genial and cute -- defintely unlike his sisters (in the genial part anyway). I'm rambling and I don't care. I just hope the computer doesn't eat this. I've distracted myself from the main event that I just want to cry.
