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Blahg

I have just downloaded AOL software for what seems the 9,000th time.  Why do I keep doing it.  So far I haven't found anything else I like better.  Every two years or so my software gets corrupted and I'm forced to download it yet again.  I couldn't go back to my old favorite 9.0 (actually I don't know why I called it a favorite as it was always crashing), I despised the layout of 9.1 (which I tried in the past) so now I'm at 10.1.  The reason I like AOL -- gee this is a fascinating post -- is because I like to see the favorites on my tool bar.  Anyway I'm yet again resetting the toolbar with favorite places and this is one of them. 

So what's new in my life.  Nothing much.  My boss yelled at me yesterday.  He said and I quote "I never let him finish a sentence, I'm always cutting him off" so I said (dumbly) "sorreeeee".  I never realized that I do that.  Maybe because I don't need his long winded explanations on what to do or how to do it.  I've been doing my job (extremely well) for seven months now.  And if he really wants to "explain" (wasting my time -- I know he likes to hear the sound of his own voice).  And his past secetaries have been intimidated by him.  I've worked for enough fucking bastards that he doesn't intimidate me.  I'm at a point in my life where I won't take any shit from any "employer" because I'm good at what I do, very good at what I do, and if they don't like it I can go on the State's payroll yet again.  In some ways it's not so bad as making little money entitles me to free medical insurance.  I'm just now absorbing the shock of third tier co-payments ($50) -- we all know what happens if I don't get Prozac "brand" and to go to my shrink will now cost me $40 a pop.  Fortunately he has agreed that once that goes into effect -- May -- unless it's sooner -- they cancelled my drug coverage (which was supposed to expire in May) once they "found out" I had other insurance -- he will let me come every two months so my co-pay will work out to $20 a month.  Still sticker shock for me.  I mean I go in there.  He says how are you doing, writes my scripts and I leave.  But then again, what else is he going to do,  I already went through years of talk therapy and I'm talked out.  I just need someone to keep on prescribing my meds. 

On a completely different note I've made a new friend.  It's hard at my age to make new friends.  She's close to my age.  I met her on all places My Space.  She's engaged to the poet who always made me wish I was single.  She's one of the nicest people I've ever met, has raised her two boys on her own (now 16 and 18) and we just "clilcked" as she said.  We spoke on the phone for the first time last night. I admit I was terrified to the point of where I didn't want to pick up the phone as I am so bad at talking on the phone and I really hate doing it.  Ask me to write you a letter and I'm the most interesting person in the world.  Talk to me on the phone and I sound (I think) like a blithering idot who has nothing to say.  Over the years I've had to make phone calls for my bosses (thankfully not this one) or deal with their phones and I've hated every moment of it.  So anyway when my phone rang last night I wanted to let it ring.  But I picked it up and said he and she and I chatted for an hour and truthfully I could have talked for another three hours.  She elected to go to bed as her honey is coming to visit.  How romantic as it's a nine hour drive.  They are getting married in May and she said she wishes I could be at the wedding and I said I would love to be there.  I'm already thinking of ways it could possibly happen as I'd really like to be there.  I mean I feel like I should be there -- how weird is that.  Shit, why couldn't I ever meet a man like that.  I did once nine years ago.  And he wouldn't leave his wife even though he wanted to because of his 11 year old daughter which now I totally get as my son was 2 at the time and didn't get it.  If ever I met a man who was a soul mate he was it.  I've met so few people in my life who "get" me.  Fortunately for me my 11 year old is one.  (Also unfortunately as he and are so much alike it's scary). 

Yep, I was a fucking idiot folks.  But I suspect when things go pear shaped with him she'll be back.

Blahg

One of these days I will put a pen and paper on my night table.  Usually I wake up around 5:00 a.m. after having some interesting dream -- actually interesting enough to write a story or get a brilliant idea.  I always recite it to myself and say you won't remember it when you wake up and I never do.  Surely there are some things that are dying to be heard.

Blahg

Every night when I get home from work I look forward to my Gordo time.  Gordo is my cat -- short for Gordon.  He is the first live stuffed animal I've ever had as the minute I get home he settles down on my arm until he has to be surgically removed when I have to do something.  I have never gotten over leaving my cat behind -- in the hands of that fucking bastard my ex husband.  Besides being abusive to me he was jealous of my cat.  He beat him up on more than one occasion (beat up all the animals for that matter).  He couldn't stand the fact that the cat would want to sit on my chest and purr while we watched t.v.  My ex actually said to me once "Do we have to have HIM in here?"  I put up with that bastards abuse for 12 years and two weeks before I turned 40 I left him for good (if you've heard this story than skip this part).  The only thing I regretted is that I had to leave myc at behind.  And one of the few things I asked for hin the divorce agreement was to keep my cat for six months along with my belongings until I found a place to live.  I had gone to stay with my parents who had two cats which is why I had to leave my cat behind.  Well even before six months the bastard threw away almost all my possessions -- my clothes, my photos, my artwork anything I had that was relevant to the first 40 years of my life.  No, I didn't haul his ass into court for the same reason that I never asked anything from him except for my freedom.  I never forgave myself for leaving the cat behind -- not knowing his fate -- only not trying to imagine what my ex did to him.  I'm sorry Nonie, I still cry over the fact that I had to do what I did but I feared for my life.  I guess this is the main reason why I resisted having a cat again after all these years.  The fur, the small apartment, the terrace were all arguments I believed myself. Until three months ago when Gordon and Aubergine (his sister) came into my life.  Auby is a sweet cat but she spends more time with my son.  Actually, she's one of the sweetest cats I've ever had because my son still has yet to realize that she's not a basketball or a pretzel and he loves her just the same.  But Gordy.  He's my cat.  My son will actually tell me that he's crying for me and I'll say it's nonsense and then my son will plop him down on my lap and he'll settle down whereever he can and fall asleep.  I love the fact that he loves to sleep on my arm every chance he gets.  (Sometimes cutting off the circulation in my arm.  When I move him to another part of my body he goes right back to sleep.)  When he was tiny I remember he would fall asleep on my (as would Aubergine) and I would say to my husband I wonder if he'll still do that when he's bigger.  Well, he's 4x the size now and he hasn't stopped.  I hope he never does. 

Blahg

Schmucky me jumped in with both feet and now I have to pull them out of the mud.  I wonder if it's the fiance who is suddenly directing your every move.  I wish you'd tell me what the hell is going on.  Maybe I don't want to know.

Blahg

On my desk calendar at work.

To Do:

1.  Walk under ladder.

2.  Pick up black cat.

3. Step on sidewalk cracks.

4. Open umbrella inside.

Blahg

I wonder if you know it's me.  Comforting you from afar.  The falling out we had will never be made whole.  Someday, maybe when you drop the bullshit anger facade and the imaginary stories you keep on replaying in your head...

Blahg

I'm going to just file it in the stupid file.  At least it didn't cost me much.  The dollar amount was enough but the emotoinal investment that will smart for a while.  Let's face it I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I don't make friends easily and maybe I  jumped too soon thinking that's what you wanted.  So now I will take a deep breath, step back and get ready to go out to lunch with the one person who "gets" me.  I suspect you'll be back when he makes you cry again.  I'm now understanding the meaning of the word "fair weather friend.

Blahg

I'm come to the conclusion that I make a lousy friend.  It seems that whenever I put myself out there I jump in with both feet and then look like an ass.  I'd like to think it isn't me.  That I have a lot to offer a person.  I have so many insecurities.  I'm realizing that's why I love my cat so much.  He loves me unconditionally.  Last night no matter what room I went into he followed me.  Plopping down on my arm, leg, lap.  Last night I was sitting on the kitchen floor cross-legged and he crawled into my lap and settled down.  No matter where I set my body he was there to settle down on my arm and fall into a deep slumber.  I figured out, finally, that the friend I thought I made is being controlled by her fiance and he doesn't like the fact she's become friends with me.  I keep on telling myself it's not true but I can tell.  I realize that when he was visiting her -- well I only got the occasional text from her.  I think her fiance freaked out because on her birthday I sent her flowers and teddy bear.  I wanted to do something special.  I think the jerk was jealous or something because she's coming to visit him and we're in the same state and it wouldn't be impossible for me to meet up with her.  At first when we talked about it it was rah rah rah and today when I finally got a text from her because she noticed my foul mood on My Space (yep that's where I met her and him) she actually texted me and asked what was wrong.  I wanted to reply YOU YOU FUCKING JERK.  YOU CALLED ME ON THE PHONE, WE TALKED FOR A HOUR, CLICKED SO I THROUGHT AND NOW THAT I MENTION ANY KIND OF PERSONAL CONTACT THERE'S SILENCE.  Was I a jackass for sending the flowers?  I don't regret it but I'm willing to bet my last dime that her fiance thought it was weird.  Why am I such a fucking idiot and am constantly nice to people who wind up hurting me?

Blahg

It's official you've been deleted from my speed dial...and I still can't believe what a schmuck I was.  I'm still willing to bet that the fiance had a lot to do with it, which really makes you a stupid ass.

Blahg

You'll never guess who texted me this morning.  It said "And How are you My friend."  How am I, I feel like a asshole for investing even one iota in our so called friendship, I really thought it was going to be someting special -- on the line of a sister I never had and you shut me out almost as quickly as you invited me in.  Now, if it was the man you're going to marry you should think again.  Because if it could be jealousy over me it could be jealousy over anybody.  Him not wanting to share you.  I mean how many friends does he have.  I won't make it my problem.  I just deleted your message.  I still feel sad and stupid.

Blahg

You've now texted me twice and asked if you "did something" gee figure it out you clueless wonder!

Blahg

I’ve just come back after two days of the worst stomach virus in history and no one is speaking to me.  The main perpetrator is the person who actually gave it to me in the first place.  Excuse me for getting sick people.  It happens.  I realize that you are all too fucking cheap to call in a temp so Ms. Martyr has a hissy when all my work gets dumped on her but when she decides to do the same her work and bosses get dumped on me.  Gee do I take it out on her?  I guess now that your best friend a/k/a never on time receptionist who was out for three weeks faking some illness is back I no longer exist.  Why should it surprise me.  I guess I was hoping for better.  Come on at least one fake how are you feeling.  The only person who asked me who I think actually cared is someone who dumps her work on me and it isn’t necessary to get done immediately.  I never thought I’d honestly say I hate this place.  Well guess what the day has come.

Blahg

So she reappeared in my life all "concerned" and I fell for it.  It's over for all intents and purposes though.  I know that whatever so called friendship might have been there never was.  Shit, am I that needy.  Again, I suppose that when the bloom is off the rose she'll come a knocking.  Yep fair weather friend for sure.